On My Way Home

The Pause isn't over yet but I'd like to tell you what I am doing at the moment since I've heard nothing from you anymore

I'm on my way home but I'm not going by plane or by train, I decided to see if I can catch a ride with people, just see how hospitable they can be or not and I am really looking forward to this experience, I'd really like to know if I can get home all the way from St. Petersburg, I don't know what to expect but I have good hope, I bet there are many trucks that need to go to Poland or Germany and I bet there are trucks that need to go to The Netherlands

I wish I too could say that I was doing well and was looking forward to my normal life again but I don't, I really am getting ill and my mind just constantly thinks in dying soon, I wake every night thinking that life is so short and that it is over so soon and nobody here will remember me, I have no one to leave behind, not a person that will be sad, I'm sure my parents will miss me and some members of my family, maybe you will think in me but I'm not sure about it anymore, I'm not sure about anything anymore

The crying doesn't stop either, I keep hurting myself with the past and that I was being a fool again, giving everything I could and trying to make someone happy, I know I'm not perfect but what I felt for you was true and that made me feel perfect, believing everything you said and believing in the promises you made and it hurts, not that it matters anymore

My bags are packed, hotelroom has been payed for, called my parents that I'm on my way, almost time to check out, so after this post it's time for me to go, but before I go I would like to ask you something..

Could you let me know in the future if the choice you made was the best ?

I don't need to hear it this or next month, not even this year, just take your time and when you think enough time has passed I hope you can let me know if the choice you made was the best, just send a little mail or something but I can understand it if you don't do it

I think the choice was the best you made, I'm far away from you and I love you more than anyone else can, but I can't show it :'(

M