I'm here, still alone in a place where I've never been before, just in an ordinary bar or restaurant or whatever you want to call it listening to my own music, the only thing that I want to have with me from home and just writing this litte post before I will have to leave to go to a supermarket to get food for myself and than searching the loneliness again, it seems so easy when you do everything alone and not having to rely on anyone else, it is something that I don't want every day, someday I want to rely on someone and that someone could rely on me so that I could get food for myself and for someone else too, that is something that would give me a real smile on my face, now but it is just a thought and not reality but that's ok, these little things make life just bearable and make me pass the day a bit faster
Now I'm just looking outside on a street filled with people that I guess will start a fight for some reason, lot of agressive people in Russia, even here in the middle of nowhere even tough many people smile at me and the smiling waitress bringing me my drink doesn't change a thing about how I feel, I just feel so lonely and it is just breaking me apart, breaking my heart, cutting in my soul and make me forget all happiness I've know in my life
I'm fragile and everything that remembers me about home or you hurts me, I can't listen certain songs that are sometimes on the radio, sometimes I wonder if I could look at your photos again but than I remember that I destroyed everything you ever gave me, not destroyed but not on the same place anymore, not a letter next to my bed or a ring wrapped around my finger, they are in a drawer in my room where I never look and your photos aren't with me anymore, they are there too in a drawer and it is better that way, way better or I just keep feeling bad and realize that what we had was a mistake in the end, that it turned out not the way I wished and wanted it, I still can cry about it but it won't change a thing, the only thing that would change is that the people here would look with a weird face at me and I can't use it, nobody has to see the expression of sadness on my face
Being alone starts to bring it's toll, isolation and the few communication I have with people here makes me ''different'' I don't know how to bring it any other way, It is too clear that I'm not from Russia let's just put it that way, it was already clear that I'm not Russian, I'm a lot taller than the people here and have a different attitude, I'm way too soft and way too sweet, I don't know why but people here always smile to me and I smile back like nothing happened to me and my feelings, but of course, why wouldn't I smile back, they haven't done anything bad to me so I don't do bad back but I start to notice that my attitude is changing, it's getting more harder and colder like the marjority of the people here are but nobody can change me, not anymore, me is me, and let me be myself like it let everyone be who they want to be
I wish I could say that I was doing well, that I was being me again and that I could say that I love to dream again and to look at the future but the reality is different of course
you were my dream and my future
I was wrong
M
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