Not Mine

I once felt the strength of your arms
As they embrassed my ever-loving body,
The warmth of your heart
As you placed your lips oh, so gently to mine,
The serenity of your love as you traced my every line,
The passion in your eyes as you stared deep into my soul.

Do I dare ask where all of that has gone?
The strength has turned to weakness
And the warmth to frigid breath,
The serenity to hostility
And the passion to necessity.

Why?...
Why is all that you felt for me
All of a sudden so far away?
Will it ever return someday?

I look deep into myself,
To see if it's me who's changed
But, I find no answers to my questions.
To this, I guess, my heart is destined.

Destined to be lonely, never to be free.
Ask what you will, my love
But, please just ask for me.
In my heart... you'll always be.

M

I'm going to miss you

I'm going to miss you, every single word you said and every smile you ever showed me, I'm going to miss them
I still wish that we didn't end up this way but we did and I feel bad about it, because I used to hope we would have a future together, but no, we don't.

I used to believe that what we had was special, so special that only you and I could feel it, that other people would never have it and that we would be together forever but I was wrong, we were wrong

We had a lot of  'first-times' together and I'm glad they were with you, but still it eats a little in my head, because I wanted you to be the only one for all time, live my life with you and one day die with you, but I can only say that it was a silly dream, my dreams never come true

I wish you happiness too and a wonderful life, and I'm sorry it had to end this way, I can tell you about the problems I had last week and why I didn't post or send a text back but it would make me sad to say all things that happen lately so I'm not going to tell them and just so you know, I started studying Chinese, so I'll stay far away from you

Everything we've been through, all things we've shared, the ring and the letter, the long nights and all the good and bad stories, the imaginations and dreams, I'll keep them and remember you always, I remember what you meant for me and what love can be when you are with the right person, you know that I'll miss you and that you will always have a special place in my heart, I hope it will be the same for you

But does it mean that it is the end, I don't know, life is a mystery and so was our story and even tough you gave me a cold goodbye I still want to end it with..

Divided

''Is there something wrong with me? Did I hurt you or make you feel sad, I let you alone when you needed me the most or is there something else?'' is what I asked on the phone, but I got no answer from no one, just a slowly breathing voice that clicked me away, my own mother clicked me away.

My mother is right if she doesn't want to talk with me, even tough I tried to tell her I was sorry for the things I've done and will do in the future but she didn't care to listen, I think she just wants me to have a hard time and show me that life wasn't so bad after all if I was still at home and never went away, but it would have made me a different person than I am today so this was supposed to happen, I don't think that I would have been better if I didn't went away, I wouldn't have been able to cope with what I lost, so I just ran as what anyone would've done if they lost what I lost.
I lost the love of my life

But to let you know a little about how I am doing and how my progress on the room is doing, I'm doing fine actually, I feel more energy and I feel just a little better with each day.
Everyday I'm still thinking about you and wondering what you are doing at that specific moment, I still read your blog and I am working on a post as a reaction on your last post, I hope you will like it, and I still miss you a lot every day.
The room is starting to get shape, the floor is almost in, the curtains are almost finished, I will start on the walls next week and I found some things for the interior, just to keep it short, I did it all by myself
yes, just by myself...

Sometimes I still envy you, I know that your relationship with your parents and your brother isn't always moon- and sunshine but at least they have a warm bed for you at home, there is food enough and there are at least people around you and when you go back to university, there is food that your mother gives you that you just have to warm up, there are people around you to talk with and I hope you will meet someone new again to make you happy, it's the opposite of how it is here, I have to get all the groceries and cook them on a little gas cylinder they use on a camping, so the taste of it isn't that great at all and it just hurts a little, I just don't really know how to explain it's just that I am like the third wheel on a bike, you don't need a third wheel, you get the point? what I am trying to say is that life is hard enough on it's own when you are alone and in need of just a little help but there is no help and everything is against you, just everything is against me... :(

M

Poem #11

The beat in my heart
Every beat says your name
No matter what you say
My life can never be the same
Maybe only through words
You were good at your game
I dreamt that I was winning
Even while putting myself to shame
I can never let anyone know
How foolish I have been
As my heart never actually realized
That you barged in without even being seen
I wish I could go back in time
As now I have no place to turn
Believe me, this pain is pure torture
Deep inside me, my heart is on burn
All through my thoughts
Your feelings run deep
When you don’t seem to feel the same
I cry myself to sleep

Worried

Just let me know that you're still there, I'm really worried :(

Good?

I start to change a little more inside and I don't think it is for the good, I don't really know how to explain it but I think the ''logic'' starts to change into ''complex'' things, I don't see the value of some things anymore, not the value of money or the value of having more than someone else

Nothing lasts forever, not you, not me, not this planet or the universe, everything is constantly changing for something good or something bad, it's just the way you look at it.

been a long time since I've heard from you, been a few days and no new posts or anything else, I guess you're still busy with the party or have no inspiration for anything but that's ok I guess, I too don't even know if you still read this blog I just guess you do

Today I think I got some good news, got a place to stay, it isn't much but it is something, I've just got to decorate it myself but here it is:

I have nothing to say anymore, had a busy day and have a lot to do tonight and the coming days, at least I got a new job and a roof but nothing there so I think the night won't be going so well.

I hope better days are coming now

M

(I'm sorry that my posts start to suck so much, from now on I will just post something when I have something good to post)

Reality

I was talking to this idiot the other day and as he looked back from the mirror (so I'm talking about me) I realized I was right about one thing. There is an answer... and the answer is being with you. I love you for better or for worse, this time we that we have, this can be part of the better part, because we'll be together and that way everything even this is better... 


My life could have been perfect by now, and it is perfect at this very moment, if I could spend every moment with you and even if the time I have left is limited, I'd still be the happiest person I could ever be, but unfortunately I have to live with this cancer inside me and who is there to blame? I am so mad at life for how it threatened me all my life and that it didn't give me what I could expect from it but what will it change? should I get mad at everyone in the world because I have this for no reason, no I can't do that, it is not fair to feel this way but I can't blame someone else for it, I have to live with it even if it is just for a short while that I may have left, but I hope I will get better sooner or later
But if in case I die, I don't want you to look for me, I don't want you to visit my funeral or will search for my grave, I want you to live your life to the fullest and grow up to become a successful young woman.


Of course I am more than angry like I just said, but who should I be angry at, everybody? or maybe God?
I don't think it would be fair if I should be mad at them, I won't and can't blame anyone for what is inside me, not the air, not the people around me, nobody, and I think it would be very selfish if I take out my own emotions on other people, I think the problem that I have now, well.. It might have an answer.. In the shape of a poem, like in the old days.. 


Have I ever mentioned to you how much I like you?
Well, I mean, I don't mean love, I love you, you know that, do you?
But I like you a lot too, I'm in like with you
It's hard to listen to your heart beat, when it is far away from mine, where I wish it was close to me all the night
Pounding in my shattered heart kept in a box from steel and stones, where the little pieces are as one heart again
The box that I won't break open no more, not to walk or not even dare to climb
It's hard to realize that you have to give up the fight and sometimes in our case, That just isn't right
So somethings you've always want but never could have, will always remain broken in my deep dark mind
Tonight it is raining like it has never done before, raining through the streets, raining in my eyes
I'm not asking for your life or for something that you can't give, I just hope you give me another chance in the future, I just want a new chance to Live.


A little dark I know, but I hope you liked it, I made it for you and sorry again for the lack of inspiration.

M

I can't let go..

Future

The future I had in mind for me long ago is so far away from the point I am at now, I couldn't ever imagine it a year ago, just 1 year ago I was so, so happy with you and we were imagining our future and how we wanted to spend it till we would die together, I was so sure it would happen and nothing could change my ideas and look where I am now, I'm down, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm alone, there's no one to hold and even my own family doesn't want to have me close to them, yes... it's a future that I could only dream of in my darkest hour.

Days slowly pass, every day a bit more dark than the day before, yes the sun may shine but inside the light slowly starts to fade and so does my hope for a better future but it is too easy to say that it will never get better, I can't look in the future tough I am so curious for it, I am so curious what will happen between us, will we be together again or will we each go our own way and let the past rest, I know what I want but it is the most unlikely thing that can happen, but if True Love really exists I know it will happen and we will find each other.

I hope who ever that is reading this isn't feeling as unhappy, unwanted, not loved or just bad, I hope you are doing well, have all you can dream of and that life treats you well.

I don't know what will happen in the future, if it will get better or will get worse, I just know that I want it to spend with you and if god wants it, I will wait till eternity for you or as long as you want me to wait

M

Dreams

Once I had Dreams, once I had something to live for, I had it all and I let it all go, the Dreams that I have today are just bad, I commit suicide in my dreams and I don't know why and sometimes I get killed or have an accident, I just wake like 10 times in the middle of the night to see if I am still alive or not, so realistic are these so called Dreams

I think Dreams are made to project something good in your mind when you are doing well, but they project nightmares when you're not doing well, why is life so against me, why does life want me to have a bad time?

When you realize that Dreams are just there to live for something, because when you Dream, you are free, you can imagine everything you want without boundaries, you can be as rich as you want, drive the car you want or even imagine you are close to the one you love and kiss her...

Like I just said, Dreams can be so beautiful, they can look so much like reality that you would almost believe it is actually happening, that you are with the one you love, you kiss her and hold her tight, feeling something warm in your arms but than again when you wake, you aren't as happy anymore as when you were asleep, you just feel sad.

Before I met you I wasn't doing so well either but not as bad as this, what I said about the gun and pills, I prefer the gun over the pills, I don't want to forget you, I just miss the times we were together, where we imagined to be together every night and day and we were so close to it, I just miss the Dream we had....

But life isn't a Dream, my brother is in prison, I'm in the gutter, what's there to Dream about now!....

Everyday I dreamed that I would be with you, that I could sleep with you, smile with you and make you happy, but it was just a Dream.....

M

The Beginning....The Future.....And Now In The Present..

Not doing Well

I'm not doing well... Not doing well at all :/ I will tell you why.

Been a week now since my mother told me I'm not welcome anymore, but I still need something to hold on to or I go crazy and as you have read, my mind is getting a bit more 'dark' I am not afraid anymore of what the future may hold for me because I just don't care anymore, I don't care if I get better or not, or if I have to sleep in the gutters, I just don't care about it anymore because it won't change a thing, there is only one thing/person I care for and it isn't hard to guess who that person is..

It should have been the day we've been waiting for, my mother called me but  not with the message I hoped she'd have for me... just asking me if I had a new address where she could send my mail to but I had to disappoint her, but I couldn't tell if she felt sorry for me or not, she just wished me a good day and hang up.
God, I'm feeling so lonely here and in 4 days I am out of internet and I can't call anymore, the subscription will end and I don't have enough cash for a new phone :(

Look at me wining about my life while there are so many more people in the world whose lives are much more worse than mine, for example, people living in Iraq that see there loved ones being killed day by day or little children in Somalia that starve to death, and just hear me complaining about my life in one of the richest countries in the world, but they have there loved ones near them...

For now all I've been doing is trying to do good for me, trying to take care of me and just think in myself but it is where I suck at most, I am good at caring for someone else, I think I can say that I am very good at it, but I need someone to care for me and the person that could do it the best is far away now...
........
............and all that I have left of you is resting in my heart...
Help me 'cause I'm bleeding.....

M

You Don't Know Anything About Me..

What do you do, say or feel when someone else knows better than yourself how you feel, that someone says that you feel happy but when you say you feel sad that they call you a liar and it hurts inside
How are you supposed to react when someone else tells you how you feel, how the F&%* does someone else know how I feel and calls me a M&$&$F#^#+$ liar when I tell this person how I really feel...Grr I can get so mad with it..

Some people are lucky to have a person in their life that knows just by looking at you how you feel, that person can tell if you are happy, sad, scared or any other feeling and knows how to respond to it to make you feel good about all the things that are happening, someone that believes in your abilities when you have an exam or will hold you tight when you are cold, it is something you don't have to ask, this person will do it and you feel save with him or her and it is something (I think) everyone is looking for, and when you have it make sure you never loose it like I did, just keep holding and loving him or her more and more every day.

Now I have these fake persons with fancy diplomas and they tell you what is good for you, how you feel and how to live your life, they don't even know me, they don't know what I feel, if I tell them I am ready to blow my head off they would say I am overreacting, give me a recipe for some pills and tell me that I should do this instead of that, who the hell are they to tell me what to do, what to feel or what not to feel?

I got here all by myself, some pills won't change me, I'm fine, and I would like to share some words with those fake persons:

''They Say I'm A Dangerous Man, All I'm Doing Is Come Up For Me Own Rights, My Own Needs, And If I Have To Hurt Someone To Get What I Need, I Will Do It Without A Second Thought.
I'm Not A Bad Man But Still They Draw Me Like The Bad Guy In Their Papers, I'd Like To Share A Laugh Or Two, I Like Jokes, But Don't Push Me Till You Wake The Animal Behavior That's Hiding Inside Of Me. I'm Not A King But I Want To Be Treated Like A King, If I Want Something Done, I Will Do It By My Goddamn Self.
I'm A True Leader In My Own World, My Life Is My Life, Not Your! So Keep Your Hands From It, Point A Finger At Me And I Might Break It, It Takes One Snap, Just Remember That..
I'm Always Right, And You're Always Wrong!'' 


I Love You Always <3 :)


M

No Matter The Choice, We Always Lose.

When you lose the one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.

Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.

What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?

Just know one thing...

I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.


M

No Inspiration...

Nothing To Write....

Till Monday... :'(

M

Keep Going

I want to run, run again away from where I am now but I can't, I want to quit, just have a break and let it all go but I can't! I need to keep going.
I keep going even tough I don't know where I am going, I keep going because I need to stay strong, I keep going because deep inside I know that I have to, I keep going because I have faith in the final outcome and I know that when I get through this situation I will be stronger, better and a changed person, it's one of lifes many tests that we all must face but in a different way, everybody will be faced with pain one day and it is up to yourself how you deal with it


Will you run? or do you stand and face it.

I like to think in the past, remembering the times with You and how life used to be, but it hurts a little because I feel like the best days of my life are already behind me and it hurts even more, because the best days of someones life should be their marriage and the birth of their child/children but I don't know if I will have any of the two anymore, I don't feel like and I don't know if I still want it.
I wanted like 4 children when You were mine but I can't imagine a better mother than You, so why get children with someone else I can't love as much as I love(d) you, no I think the child wish will remain a wish and nothing more than that :(

Maybe you were right what you said about mailing, maybe we will get mad at each other, maybe we will discuss but to be honest, I don't know where we could discuss about but I am not sure about many things anymore, if love is always there when it is declared by someone or your parents and I keep wondering if this feeling will ever go away, so I guess you are right about what you said and that blogging is the best way to keep contact even tough I miss you every night, I really do...

M

Everybody Wants Happiness

I Hope You Always Find A Reason To Smile

Looking Older.

It's raining very much today, feeling jealous about the places where it is warm at the moment and where the sun is shining, a place where I can be with You, a place where I can only dream about and when I wake I see that the rain still hasn't stopped and I still am so, so cold and wet

When I walk through the streets and see myself in the windows I look old, I look much older than 19 years old and it makes me realize something, I just come to see more and more that life is temporarily and that one day it is all over and it hurts, it hurts because you know that we as mortals are doomed to die but the time we have is beautiful when you can spend it with a person you truly love but that is what I can't do... I can't spend it with You, so what would give my life any purpose?

I have nothing to follow, nothing to pursue, once I had these dreams but not anymore, reality is much harder when it hits you in the face, when the world around you starts to crumble and you're left all alone, yes it is hard and yes it isn't easy but still I am happy that I can manage instead of going crazy and you were right about what you wrote that the ''smile'' isn't really there on my face because I don't know what my mouth does, I don't know if I ''smile'' or if I want to cry, I think that my face is more like this (*_*) without any emotion, without any part of me showing who I am and that is fine for now, there's just 1 person that knows me, and that is You.

It is sweet what you wrote about my wish, it really is, but the main reason that I'd like to be with you isn't because it would be warm and cozy.... no, it would be wonderful because you'd be there in my arms for the night and that's all that I wish for

I loved you so much because you were the only one who could make me feel so happy

I hope in the end that my future will look like this:

We'll go together to the light when we're old.

M

You Give Me The Kind Of Feeling People Write Novels About