One Little Wish

There are so many things on my mind right now and I'm feeling I need to tell it to you, I wanted to call you but I didn't want a mad you on the phone thinking I want to say bad things so it is better I do it this way, I want to wish you a happy birthday in June and I wish I didn't made you say goodbye the way you did but it is my own fault and I don't blame you when you don't read this post

I'm sitting here now in a chair in my room of solitude, looking outside where the sky is getting dark, the sun is losing it's warmth and glow, something is coming for me, it's knocking on my door coming to get me, crows are knocking on the windows but they'll have to wait, I will open the window when I told you all you need to know

My life isn't made of roses and sunshine, I've lost too many people already in my short life, happiness just isn't made for me, at least no lasting happiness, when I met you I became really happy and I loved you since the first moment we met and I was really happy that you loved me too so I am more weak now without your love and strength, my heart still doesn't believe it so it died more every day till today
I slept bad last night like usual, I don't get what I need and I just have so much pain, I wake every ten minutes because of pain in my back, pain in my chest or because I am too warm
I'm not looking proudly back on my life, I'm not a role model or a good person, and I've said many things that made you become a stranger from me, I wish I've never said it

I'm happy for the time I had you and that I had some first times with you, somethings I will never do again even if I had the time, but I miss something, I miss just 1 day with you, waking on a little island in the ocean with you in my arms, in the morning we can cuddle and kiss and make a breakfast together with many kinds of fruit

In the afternoon we can swim or just laying on the sand enjoying the sun, getting some watermelon for you and kiss and in the night we can look in the sky to all the stars and feeling us so small in everything that exists, we can slowly see the moon rise and than we can go asleep, just 1 last kiss before I wake here and you wake there ....

But if I could make one little wish, I wish you all happiness in the world, I wish that in 10 years from now you come home and little tan children run to you screaming "mama" because they missed you and I wish you a good man, a good father and someone that understands you, he brings you flowers just because he loves you and he gives you kisses because you like them, I wanted to be that guy but that won't happen

I admit it that it is hard to live without your love and that you see me as an enemy but it is something I have to live with for the few times I have left

One day you say you can't live without me and the other you say goodbye but it was my own fault
Now I'm in this place, a place where I didn't expect to die, a place that has never seen me, a place that doesn't know my name

I think I'm ready for it now, I've seen enough things to fill a long life with, I've seen death and birth, I've been a hero and a loser, I've been so sad and so happy, I've seen too many bad things and lost all good things so this nightmare don't have to continue anymore, I've got peace with it, I won't tell you what to do, not to think in what I've said or to remember my love, I don't want to make you mad so this is it

I will unlock the doors in some minutes but not before I make a little note for my parents and how much I wish them a better life, that my brother comes home again and that he will learn from his mistakes, yes I've even told you back home that they came for him, so much I trusted you

I've bought Avatar today, I will submerge myself into dreams once more, dream of that we wanted to be them but there is one major difference, they started as enemies and ended as lovers
Here in my own solitude I stay, I open the window so the crows can come in, open the door so the darkness can surround me, this was all you needed to know, you don't need to know things again I've said a million times before

I hope the after life will be better than this one, and there I will be alone too, nobody was made for me and I miss it but need to live with it

After the movie I will fall asleep forever, and I will miss somethings in life, but there is nobody to blame for but myself
Take good care of yourself and don't think in me anymore

I Love You

M