Giving You Up

11-05-2011*


It's late at night here in a place far away from my home, even further away from you than I already was
Days are going slower by, seconds become minutes, minutes become hours, hours become days and days become weeks, every day the time just seems to pass slower and it makes every day just a bit more worse
Every day I feel myself more weak, more sad, more down and more depressed, walking around in a foreign place that is bigger than you can imagine all by yourself, walking and using public transport for hours and hours and seeing things you've never seen, that is when you feel ''little'' that is when you just wanted to have a person near that you trust and that is just there at the moment you just need to have a little ''home'' with you, but I just don't have it, just when I was younger and my parents took me and my brother and sister to France, Italy, Czech Republic, Austria, Switzerland, Germany, Luxembourg, UK, Slovenia, Croatia and many more countries but still when you're alone it is different, you don't have the financial support and knowing that when something happens that there is someone close that can take you to a doctor or something like it but now I am depressed and sick with life and with a sick body in Russia, not that it is bad to be in Russia but still when you don't speak the language it's just more difficult
But every day here I am just sad, sad because I miss you, sad because of my unfair life and just feeling betrayed by you, just I don't understand why I just can't stop thinking about you, I even dreamed of you last night, I dreamed that you were here in my place, that you came just to be with me even tough it just could be for a short time and the dream was really good, we smiled and we kissed like we always wanted and it felt so real, everything felt too real, and when I woke I just wanted to cry because I woke in reality, knowing that all the things I did for you were futile in the end, all things I've said became useless and all love I gave, well, what did it matter in the end, I just didn't get what I feel I should have gotten, but it is okay, I give up, I give up all the trying of making you smile again, making you live your life again and just see you happy like I've always wanted, I hope there is someone out there that can make you happy, someone near, someone that understands you like I did and just will see the person that I saw in you
a sweet person

M