If I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow summer in a window,
If I touch near the fire at night, the black ash or the remains of a log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little too
If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, because I would have already forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life, and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land.
But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine.
I wish I could say that I didn't woke last time I wrote a post, that I was dead and gone but I'm not, the only thing that happined to me was a massive break down, that I was afraid of the future and that one day, a day that we all must face, a day we won't excist anymore, a day everybody waits for but never wants to reach, a day that what we are is lifeless and it scares and frightens me
I'm still not home, I just stopped in a little village because of the weather, I spend the last few days alone in a forest with a beautiful lake, the days were warm but the nights were cold, luckily I know how to make a fire or the nights would have been a lot less pleasent even tough I slept so bad because of the animals here at night, had to sleep with one eye open and make sure the fire would remain
But I should tell you how I am doing now and where I am at the moment, let me tell you how I am doing first, I'm doing quite welll actually, I see some symptomes from my illness going away and feel more ''healthy'' but I think that's because of the high altitudes here and because I am surrounded by nature instead of loud cars and bad air, here the air is just so clean and so restfull, just really pleasant and it is good for me
I still can't read the damn Russian so I can't tell you where I am, but fortunately my iPhone can locate me so it shows where I am.. I am in a place called Katyryk or something, it's in the middle of the woods and it has like 20 houses or something, I need to find civilization soon I think even tough I searched for abandonment but that time will be over soon, I was looking and needing a place to stay in my own solitude and now i've found it so I think I can go home in a few weeks
This solitude I was talking about is good for your inner soul, it gives me peace when there is no disturbance inside and no one to tell you that what you do is wrong or good for you, even tough I can tell you all that it isn't so easy to be alone and that you miss the communication with people and just seeing another face but it was my choice to go here, I miss home a lot and haven't spoken to my parents for more than 1.5 week now and I'm just dying to know how they are doing
But even tough after all this time I feel less empty with every day, a feeling that other things need to be done to fill all that is empty but even tough I am doing better I can't stop feeling that I miss something in my life and that it still hurts every day
There are so many things on my mind right now and I'm feeling I need to tell it to you, I wanted to call you but I didn't want a mad you on the phone thinking I want to say bad things so it is better I do it this way, I want to wish you a happy birthday in June and I wish I didn't made you say goodbye the way you did but it is my own fault and I don't blame you when you don't read this post
I'm sitting here now in a chair in my room of solitude, looking outside where the sky is getting dark, the sun is losing it's warmth and glow, something is coming for me, it's knocking on my door coming to get me, crows are knocking on the windows but they'll have to wait, I will open the window when I told you all you need to know
My life isn't made of roses and sunshine, I've lost too many people already in my short life, happiness just isn't made for me, at least no lasting happiness, when I met you I became really happy and I loved you since the first moment we met and I was really happy that you loved me too so I am more weak now without your love and strength, my heart still doesn't believe it so it died more every day till today
I slept bad last night like usual, I don't get what I need and I just have so much pain, I wake every ten minutes because of pain in my back, pain in my chest or because I am too warm
I'm not looking proudly back on my life, I'm not a role model or a good person, and I've said many things that made you become a stranger from me, I wish I've never said it
I'm happy for the time I had you and that I had some first times with you, somethings I will never do again even if I had the time, but I miss something, I miss just 1 day with you, waking on a little island in the ocean with you in my arms, in the morning we can cuddle and kiss and make a breakfast together with many kinds of fruit
In the afternoon we can swim or just laying on the sand enjoying the sun, getting some watermelon for you and kiss and in the night we can look in the sky to all the stars and feeling us so small in everything that exists, we can slowly see the moon rise and than we can go asleep, just 1 last kiss before I wake here and you wake there ....
But if I could make one little wish, I wish you all happiness in the world, I wish that in 10 years from now you come home and little tan children run to you screaming "mama" because they missed you and I wish you a good man, a good father and someone that understands you, he brings you flowers just because he loves you and he gives you kisses because you like them, I wanted to be that guy but that won't happen
I admit it that it is hard to live without your love and that you see me as an enemy but it is something I have to live with for the few times I have left
One day you say you can't live without me and the other you say goodbye but it was my own fault
Now I'm in this place, a place where I didn't expect to die, a place that has never seen me, a place that doesn't know my name
I think I'm ready for it now, I've seen enough things to fill a long life with, I've seen death and birth, I've been a hero and a loser, I've been so sad and so happy, I've seen too many bad things and lost all good things so this nightmare don't have to continue anymore, I've got peace with it, I won't tell you what to do, not to think in what I've said or to remember my love, I don't want to make you mad so this is it
I will unlock the doors in some minutes but not before I make a little note for my parents and how much I wish them a better life, that my brother comes home again and that he will learn from his mistakes, yes I've even told you back home that they came for him, so much I trusted you
I've bought Avatar today, I will submerge myself into dreams once more, dream of that we wanted to be them but there is one major difference, they started as enemies and ended as lovers
Here in my own solitude I stay, I open the window so the crows can come in, open the door so the darkness can surround me, this was all you needed to know, you don't need to know things again I've said a million times before
I hope the after life will be better than this one, and there I will be alone too, nobody was made for me and I miss it but need to live with it
After the movie I will fall asleep forever, and I will miss somethings in life, but there is nobody to blame for but myself
Take good care of yourself and don't think in me anymore
Finally it is finished and I'm happy with the result, the lyrics are perfect for the song I let you wait for, already too long I know, but still the result will be good I hope
I am not going to publish the lyrics so they will always be just for you like the love song is just for you but because of the long time you already have to wait I decided to show the last line of the song, I hope you will like it
"I just wanted to be close to you
Just wanted to be near you
But now I'm lost forever
Forever more.."
It's too damn late to be awake, damn shaking train, damn, damn, damn stupid life
It's already too dark to see anything outside besides the lights of cars and houses where families are together, a place at home where I wanted to be happy too but it wasn't meant to be, I was meant to become an enemy of the person I love most and still do, I wish I would have seen this coming 6 months ago so I was prepared for the impact it has on my life, no more you, no more live with you, no more nothing with you, I wouldn't have changed anything tough, I prefer have the pain than my enemy has it, you deserve something far better, someone that says every day how beautiful you are and can lift your spirit up every day and believes in you, something that will forget everything and let go of everything for you, something I didn't do, or did I? well, it doesn't matter anymore, I feel so sick every day, but I never wanted to blog it so my sister wouldn't read it, I found out she reads my blog to try and understand why I went away, but the true reason will always be in my head, something I will keep for myself like everything else from now on, nobody cares if I have pain inside or not, if I pee blood or not or whatever else happens, nobody got to know, nobody wants to know
I'm too sleepy and tired of staying mad at myself so I will tell a little more about what is going on here and I will tell something about what I see and do now.
There is nothing going on here besides go over the tracks for hours and hours, hearing the engine quite good and sometimes I hear noises from beds and doors, the train isn't travelling so fast but luckily it's warm inside and it has a ''Rich'' interior with a lot of green actually, all the tables are made from a kind of wood and it just looks really good, I'm in a kind of a meeting room with 4 other persons, everybody minding there own business and just as me looking outside to the sky that is again full of stars, millions of eyes looking down but not at me, just at the loved ones, the people they let behind, the people that miss them every day
There is a lot of poverty here and it affects me a little, just every child I see just gets some euros from me, I don't know what it is to have no money so it is more easy to give it away I think, even tough euros isn't the currency here it still is preferred over the Ruble, the Russia currency
It is hard to think that my life changed so much in the last months, my life turned from a heaven into hell, made me from healthy to so sick, losing everything I wanted and even get mad with her because of her decision even tough I always respected her decision and said that you don't have to do anything you don't want, I am sorry for it :'( but that won't change the fact that I said it.
I had the lyrics finished from the song but I want to write other lyrics, about everything, not just about the good sides of love like the lyrics first were, but now I want to write what I will miss too, the pains of love and what you will miss, that the future will hurt for me and that it is what I deserve for being this way, different from everybody else, different because I cared for what you had to say and that I truly love you
People are slowly retreating to their beds and now I'm almost all alone in this coupe, having a warm chocolate milk and just watch the stars in the sky, the cozy houses and the river that runs near the tracks and it hurts, going further away from all that I know, all that I miss, all where I wanted to be....
I will go to my bed in some minutes, lay down a little and listen to the sounds of the train, of couples together in bed fighting, sleeping or making love, listen to the sounds of a dark night, maybe the last one I'll ever have
Believe in True Love for everybody, just don't believe it for me
Pfff... finally some time to send a post to my blog after a long day in the train, we will just stop for 30 minutes because they need to attach some sleeping compartments to the train and they need to get some fuel so I just went out of the train walking around in the station and looking to the map to see where I am, i'm far away from home, far away from everything I know, grumpy because I sleep bad, hungry because of the bad food they serve but still with a fake smile on my face
Opening Blogspot and see a message from you, how we are enemies and all I do and say is bad, how you want me to be friendly when I'm so far away because of you, your expecting nice words why?
I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way, but sometimes the truth hurts the most, showing the things that are actually happening but you don't need to care if my travel goes well or not, you just need to care what happens there, you need to learn and study and not care for an enemy, don't care that I can die today or tomorrow, don't care that the last months of me were the worst, I make my time the best I can by myself, far away from you so I don't hurt you anymore
When the train leaves it will drive for I think 20 hours, that's why we get the sleep compartments but I won't make any use of it, I can't sleep thinking in tomorrow, thinking that it could be my last day
Tomorrow I will arrive in Nizjni Novgorod in central Russia and I heard it is an industrial city so I don't really know what to expect, at least it is better than what I will find at home, even tough I miss it very much
Being alone isn't always so easy but it gives a little rest sometimes, but still I don't wish how I feel and where I am going through to anyone, not even my worst enemy because it is very difficult
Fortunately I have time to write, to put my thoughts on paper and use them when I get home and what will happen after, had time to change the lyrics of the love song that is for you even tough I know you won't care but still I make it to put my mind at ease before I go.. even tough it is a place I'd rather don't want to go to but it has no meaning for me to stay here, nobody that waits for me, nobody that needs me or wants me close to them, nobody that will miss me or would come look for me, something I wanted but never got, just for a short while, but not anymore, the world will keep spinning around, people still will get hurt and there still will be wars
I just wish that I could say that I had someone to love, that was just for me, someone that would truly be sad when I am not here anymore, but all I do is bring pain and make people go away
don't follow me to the place I will go, just go to the light at the end of the tunnel, all you need to do is follow the Tracks
I'm sorry I didn't post a message yesterday about the night and the view but when I started to write while I lay in bed I felt so tired that I just fell asleep with my laptop still in my hands but at least I can post it now before I go deeper into Russia
So last night I sat outside with the family of Vassily, asking questions about the town it's history and why they live there, it was cold outside but lucky I could use a spare winter coat and a typical Russian hat, with flaps for the ears, was really warm and so nice, I can say that all people I met in the village were really hospital to me, asked if I needed anything or if I was hungry so that was nice
But later at night it got a little uncomfortable, started to ask questions why such a young guy was so far away from home but I couldn't just say that it was an impulsive action, they were nice to me so I just told them the truth, about my life, people in my life, being sick and many more things so after they wanted to show me something, the father drove us to the top of a hill that shows all of the lake and it was so beautiful, I can't explain it in words what I saw but I'll give it a try, let's just say that there is not a camera that could record all that I saw
I saw the sky so dark but still fully enlightened by billions of stars, and a light so bright, I found out it were the lights are the magnetic field around the earth, it prevents us from falling off the earth at night, and a full moon, it was so, so big and it was slowly descending and it made the entire lake glow while it slowly got consumed by the lake till we just could see the sky full of stars, I've never seen something so beautiful, you may have seen fields full of flowers, may have seen the jungle and it's wonders but this.... this was so beautiful, it would almost make you believe that there is a heaven
We drove back around 01:30 and there were no sounds outside besides the engine of the car and occasionally an owl, but besides it nothing and I think it strengthens the mind, there are no noisy city sounds or bothering people, no stress, not anything
But now I must go, I don't want to miss the train, but I will always remember this beautiful day, with a beautiful Night Sky
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Today I spend the day in the town I posted about this morning, and it really was a nice day, like 20 minutes after I started to walk around many people started to talk to me, even the mayor :O but I didn't know why, they tried to tell it to me but of course I didn't understand any of the Russian they were talking to me till a guy my age (18) understood that I didn't speak Russian so luckily he could talk a little English and he started to talk about the town, he said that they don't see many foreign people so everybody wanted to see me, and I was getting a little shy and I really didn't liked it at the moment but they were comforting me so it was okay
So he told me that the village had around 200-210 people and they had 1 church, a primary school, a police station and the nearest hospital was 150 km away so it was better for me not to get seriously hurt but I wasn't planning to, so I asked him about the wolves I heard last night so he started to tell a story that I didn't quite understood, his English wasn't that good unfortunately but what I can make out of it is that when it is full moon (Tonight!) they come close to the village and eat the garbage from the people, at least the meat and leftovers
He wanted me to meet his family (his name was Vassily or something) so he let me meet his sister, his parents and his grandmother, and his grandmother was really a wonderful and special person, she showed me a letter, I tried to explain her that I couldn't read it but she was determined I would read it so I had it in my hands for 10 minutes and was nodding and doing ''Ohh'' till I thought she would believe me, so when she started to talk, Vassily translated it for me (as good as he could) she was talking about the second world war when her husband (back than they were both 19 and got married) had to leave to fight in the war and that she never saw him back, so the last time she saw him was 67 years ago and she still believes he will come back for her, the only thing she still has of him is the letter and a picture of him, she said she just loved him and after the war there were almost no guys because they all got killed, she said that she met him and 4 months later they were already married and I thought it was so sweet, she waits already so long and we all know that he isn't coming back but she still believes in it and I think that is the true meaning of love, no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, you don't let true love walk away so after I told her that she was a sweet woman and that I think that he must have loved her a lot she had to cry a little but she gave me a hug and I think it was the most special moment (so far) of my travel to this country
I just had dinner here in the house of Vassily and the parents want me to stay the night so of course I didn't say no, just had to say no when they offered me Vodka because I don't drink, but tonight they invited me to come with them to the top of the village, they said there will be a beautiful view tonight so I'm already curious
But the grandmother is what I remember most of today, I think he was a really lucky man and if he is alive, I bet he still misses her in his heart, Real Love never dies
"Good morning world" are the first words I say in the morning, is a new line but maybe not a better opening sentence than I used to say, I wanted to say it to you but I know you don't care for it so I just say it to everybody else
Brr... I just woke and it is so cold here, more cold than I'm used to in my own country, and I'm still so, so tired
After last nights post the train stopped like 25 minutes after in a some what deserted place, I can't read the name of it but I can tell that it doesn't have more than 100 houses and it is very close to a lake, it has many needle trees and some mountains but I will tell a little from last night
When I arrived here I immediately started to look for a hotel because I didn't want to stay in the open the first night but unfortunately there are no hotels here so I was in panic and was thinking that it might not was such a good idea to go away from my hotel but that didn't matter anymore when I had the idea of just stay inside the train station, it wasn't much but at least I had a roof above my head it just didn't have walls so the wind was cooling me down all night, and it was so cold, I know I'll never do it again
So when I "installed" myself I could lay warm in my sleeping bag and my bags around me for the cold wind, but than I met the worst thing of the night, do you know what lives in cold parts or Russia? It are wolves, grey wolves and the sounds they make, the sounds are so terrible, not like the crying when it is full moon, but something horrific, like they were eating a living prey and it didn't make me feel more save
All night I slept with one eye open, and a knife in my hand, not a big one, but I won't go down without a fight, luckily I'm a big guy (1,94cm/6"4) and I am not scared to fight but these wolves, they really make your spine tremble, so you can understand that I didn't sleep so well, but I hope I can sleep better tonight, maybe some locals have a spare room for the right price
Today I'll go have a look in this town, I think it's a little fishermen town based on the smell and the boats but I think it's quite nice, something authentic
Have a good day!!
I don't know what I just did but I felt like I had to, I just packed my bags, packed my clothes and just take everything I have even tough it is already 22:20 here I decided to go away, the woman at the desk tried to ask me where I was going but I kept walking, not listening to her, just listen to the voice in my head
My mind keeps telling me to go further away from you but my heart says otherwise, I should listen to my heart, but it is broken so it doesn't function too well so I need to listen to my mind, to reason with my uncontrolable anger, so with all pain inside and feeling myself getting weaker I decided to go
I sit in a train now, second time today, I don't know where it goes to but I hope it goes all the way to the moon, to a place so far away, a place that hasn't been touched by men yet, a place that is perfect for me to be alone, not hurting anyone with my presence, not bothering anyone with my questions, not being near the people that hurt me, just me and nature
I don't care if it's cold there, I got warm clothes with me and I don't care if there is shelter from the rain/snow/hail because that won't kill me, but something else does, something deep inside kills me every day, over and over and it won't stop, it keeps haunting my mind and I found out something that makes a lot of sense ''The person you love most too is the person that can hurt you most'' and unfortunately it happened to me, I love you more than I ever loved a person but you too hurted me most, but being hurt is part of life even tough you don't want to hurt but everybody does it, maybe not knowingly but still you do
It is starting to get cold and I am the only one in the train compartiment and I am a little scared because we are driving really fast and outside I see many green lights, ''Aurora Borealis'' or the northern lights, seems I am going towards the more cold areas but that's ok, there is no one there, just nature and me, my laptop will probably freeze and my iPhone too so I think there won't be any other update soon but you'll never know
I prepare to dress more warm and I think I will get out of the train in 30 minutes and than I'll see where I go, I don't know why I never did this before, I am really sick and feel like I can die in a month but I never felt this alive, never had these powerful feelings (if I don't count the feelings we had together in our nights but that were feelings of love) I can't believe I've never done this before, it really is an adventure all by yourself and I don't regret it even if it means I die in the cold here, this is life
But now I must stop writing and get dressed more warm, riding among the train to some place in the distance, riding to Nowhere
Why isn't there anyone that listen me when I need a listening ear?
Where is the person I need, where are you?
Why haven't you come for me and just listen to my problems, I just need you for a moment, you over there why don't you listen me, don't smile to me just come to me and listen to my problems, can't you see in my eyes that I need you for a moment, or you over there in the other seat of the train going to nowhere, stop reading your Donald Duck and just come to me for a moment, I need a listening ear, but you just keep sitting and reading and not caring about anything
Not even the woman that sits next to me takes the time to get to know me, even tough I could swear she wants, she is looking around to do something, smiles to me and to everybody else but I guess she wants I start to talk but I know I won't, I changed inside, I became more shy but that's okay
I don't blame them, nobody wants to listen to problems these days, no friends, no girl/boyfriends, no parents because everybody is too busy with each other, most things people do these days is just have sex, no more talking about love or the future, they just want to have fun, parents are always working and when they come home they are too tired, I don't blame them, my father is a real man, why? because he is taking care of my mother and my sister as he always did, but now he gets surgery to his troath and I don't even know why, is it because I am a coward? leaving home in a rush to go to a place far away to just get my mind clear and that won't even happen, dying from the pain inside, from the pain in my skin, pain that won't go away till the journey is over, till life let go of my body and becomes a spirit
I can't talk to no one, first because they just speak russian and no english, but second because why would they? they don't know me, I am only interesting if I spoke russian and was a hot girl, but I'm a guy, a hot guy :p but still..
Nobody talks to me, nobody listens to me, nobody cares if I have to say anything anymore, I talk to a damn laptop to not go insane and pretend it talks back, I need to write my feelings on a blog, because nobody listens to me.... :(
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase-
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
I never thought this would happen, that we would be without each other but still we are, time and distance were too strong for you, were too strong for us to stay together so we had to let go
I just wanted to hold you, to love you, care for you, protect you and make all your dreams come true, you were my everything, but I can't continue this way, I can't pretend I don't like you anymore, that I don't want to be with you or no want to see you, I need it the way we used to be, have fun, smile, laugh and share all love we have but we can't and I am really sorry for it, I thought I would have a wonderful life with you, after all it would just take a little time of our lives to wait and after we could be together forever like we always wanted but I see that what we had was not worth to wait for, too long for you to be alone so I have to say goodbye to you
I never can talk to you anymore, I can't face it when a new person will be there and take what you promised me, you told me too many things that will never come true for me and I really think it is mean
you need to live your life and I need to live mine, you are there and I am here like we always were, I can only comfort myself with the fact that you will be happy in the future but I need to cry in the fact that I won't be that person and it will always be in my mind
I simply can't pretend that I am your friend when you used to be my lover, I simply can't so I no more can talk with you even tough I know I will regret it
today is a bad day because my father send me a text that he has surgery june the 6th and I had results from the hospital from a few weeks ago that I am starting to get really, really sick and need to come back home but I can't, I don't want to face reality again in home but I too no can enjoy my travel here but still I must because it will be my last
it is bad that it never worked out between us, and you shouldn't promise things so fast when you can't promise them, don't give false hope to me
I hope life will treat you well and that you will find a better person for you, someone that is near and who you can kiss and do all the things you want with
I often question myself and wonder of a ordinary question: do you remember me and especially what do you remember?
Do you remember the times I used to be with you, that I never let you and wanted to know everything that was on your mind, to know how your day went, if everybody was nice to you and if you were feeling happy and in love
Do you remember that I wanted to marry you, just wanted to kiss you and make love with you and that you said you wanted it too and that I said I would never leave you whatever happens or how long it would take to be with you, you remember I've said that you are the most beautiful girl in the world and that you are worth all the money in the world
You remember you wanted to be with me every second of your life, have children, sleep with me every night, grow old with me and than die together
You remember my reaction when you said you loved me or when you told me things to fool your mother when you pretended you were sick, well do you?
You remember that I always trusted in you, that I believed in you and everything you said, that I made you happy when you were down, that I called you "dumby" when you were making little jokes or little mistakes but never meant it bad, that I listened you every day to just listen what you did and that it maybe just was a normal day in university didn't matter for me it just matter that you had a good day, you remember that I said you could do everything you wanted and that you would pass any test they would give you because I believed in your capabilities
Do you remember I made you feel good always and that I never forced you in anything and you had all the freedom you want
You remember i turned your nightmares into dreams and made desires from your fears
You know that you gave me the most beautiful time in my life and in your, a time with full-time happiness, good feelings and love and what it was to really love a person with all your heart, how it was to tell secrets and knowing that you would never tell them to anyone else
You remember I've waited for you for so long and when you had a moment you didn't feel so secured that I would stay but I always said that I would stay forever
You remember who you called "my love", "my soulmate" or "the one"?
You know my "old" love, I was worth waiting for..
I'm so lost without you and I can't let it go, I can't let you go, why didn't you let me go before, why does the pain never stop....
My mind keeps going crazy even tough I'm so far away, why can't you just come to me for 1 day so we can talk, just nothing else to think it and make it right but I know you can't but it makes me crazy, sad and my life a hell but why you let me deserve it, why didn't you just say it more weeks ago, why you let me 5 more weeks in despair and I think it made it worse, my mind doesn't know what to think, it just think in bad things like I deserved it, I know I have to forget it but it is so hard, it feels like it is my fault that you let go and it hurts for my mind to think that I hurt you because I never want to hurt you
Every day with you I tried to be the best for you, to make you smile, make you feel in love and just have a happy you and I think I succeeded most of the times only not at the end but don't blame me for it because I cried enough for the last days, I really cried for you because it hurts when you can't be with the one you love, the one that makes you happy and is your soulmate, that I can't be with you and that I need to see that someone else will take my place that was supposed to be for me forever like you said but I can get mad at you for it or just accept it because i can't do any of it, I simply can't so I will stay this way I am feeling now
Im so lonely, so useless, I'm feeling so lost without you
I can't go online anymore, I just can't talk to you because I'm afraid
I'm afraid of what I might say to you, things I could regret or make you feel more bad
I could say bad things that I feel in a moment we talk and 10 minutes after would really regret, I don't want to hurt you in any way but in that moment I would and I don't want it
Maybe I would beg you to come back, saying that my life has no meaning without you and that you are everything in my life (last part is true) but I know you can't come back to me
But even tough we can't talk doesn't mean that I don't miss you, I miss you every day, I miss it to talk with you but it is better this way and I think it won't take long for you to find a new boyfriend and I will be happy for you but still it would haunt me in the back of my head that someone else takes the prize
So you see it has nothing to do with you that we can't talk, it is just me because I don't want to say thing where I will be sorry for in the future
I'm just scared of my reaction when we talk again or when you say you found a new person in your life so I need to go away, out of your life, totally, because I know I will say bad things when you say you have a new person even tough I wish you happiness in your life but maybe after a long time who knows but for now I don't want to talk to you and I saw you could do ":p" again so I hope you are again doing better but I don't need to know, just as you don't need to know how I'm doing and if I am getting better or not
So when the time is right I'll be back online, but I doubt it will be this year and in the same way because we just talk "cold" to each other like we've never did, even not when we met but I guess I deserved it
I wanted to live with you in my life
My dreams at night keep saying I want you as my wife
''Come hold me darling, hold me tight''
But than I wake In the middle of the night.
You gave my life with joy and gladness
You send away my pain and sadness
With your sweet heart and a beautiful face
You always gave me a smile I couldn't erase.
I can't help it but sleep with you on my mind
Without your love my heart just cries.
Come here my little angel, come take control,
Come back in my heart and burn in my soul.
Sleep In my heart, as I want to whisper in your ear
"You'll never be alone, I will always be here."
I think I can not live without you near
I would drown in my sleep that is filled with a tear
I lay In the darkness of my lonely room
I miss you, my love, my beautiful girl, like a nightless moon
My tears start rolling over my cheeck and my heart turns blue
I still hope my dreams one day will come true
I love you and I don't need to know you just you need to know that I love you
To me it doesn't matter if you are a male or a female, if you're smart or dumb, if you're strong or weak, if you're old or young, if you're fat or skinny, if you're famous or a nobody, if you are black, yellow or white, if you are near or far away, I love you for who YOU are and I always will from the bottom of my heart and when you think that nobody loves you just remember this little post and think that I'll always love you
Would you dance if I asked you to dance? Would you run and never look back? Would you cry if you saw me cryin'? And would you save my soul tonight?
Would you tremble if I touched your lips? Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this Now would you die for the one you loved? Hold me in your arms tonight
I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away
Would you swear that you'll always be mine? Or would you lie? Would you run and hide? Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? I don't care, you're here tonight
I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away
Oh, I just want to hold you I just want to hold you, oh yeah Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind? Well, I don't care, you're here tonight
I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away
I can be your hero, baby I can kiss away the pain And I will stand by you forever You can take my breath away You can take my breath away
It's late at night here in a place far away from my home, even further away from you than I already was
Days are going slower by, seconds become minutes, minutes become hours, hours become days and days become weeks, every day the time just seems to pass slower and it makes every day just a bit more worse
Every day I feel myself more weak, more sad, more down and more depressed, walking around in a foreign place that is bigger than you can imagine all by yourself, walking and using public transport for hours and hours and seeing things you've never seen, that is when you feel ''little'' that is when you just wanted to have a person near that you trust and that is just there at the moment you just need to have a little ''home'' with you, but I just don't have it, just when I was younger and my parents took me and my brother and sister to France, Italy, Czech Republic, Austria, Switzerland, Germany, Luxembourg, UK, Slovenia, Croatia and many more countries but still when you're alone it is different, you don't have the financial support and knowing that when something happens that there is someone close that can take you to a doctor or something like it but now I am depressed and sick with life and with a sick body in Russia, not that it is bad to be in Russia but still when you don't speak the language it's just more difficult
But every day here I am just sad, sad because I miss you, sad because of my unfair life and just feeling betrayed by you, just I don't understand why I just can't stop thinking about you, I even dreamed of you last night, I dreamed that you were here in my place, that you came just to be with me even tough it just could be for a short time and the dream was really good, we smiled and we kissed like we always wanted and it felt so real, everything felt too real, and when I woke I just wanted to cry because I woke in reality, knowing that all the things I did for you were futile in the end, all things I've said became useless and all love I gave, well, what did it matter in the end, I just didn't get what I feel I should have gotten, but it is okay, I give up, I give up all the trying of making you smile again, making you live your life again and just see you happy like I've always wanted, I hope there is someone out there that can make you happy, someone near, someone that understands you like I did and just will see the person that I saw in you
a sweet person
Yesterday there was a problem with Blogspot and I see I miss 3 or 4 posts, if they aren't back tomorrow I will try to rewrite them because I'll be away for a while unless I'll find a internet connection in the middle of nowhere
How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing
When everything inside hurts, when everything in your mind hurts life is more hard and you want it more to end as soon as possible, every day again and again time goes slower by and drains all the energy out of your body replacing it with more bad feelings, feelings of loneliness, feelings of abandonment and thoughts of my shattered dreams.
I am affected more easily with everything around me, everything I see, everything I read, everything the news shows and it doesn't matter in what language, the pain just grows even tough I don't get hurt at this moment, I feel the pain from other people even if I have never seen them, never knew of their existence till I read or seen it on the news
I just feel a lot of pain inside when I read something like ''Man hits girlfriend'' or ''Bride cheats just before marriage'' and it just hurts a lot even tough it shouldn't affect me, I just feel the pain the person feels that is being hurt, they do things I would never do, I never lied to you for example, I never wanted to and never had a reason to, I could always tell the truth because I knew you'd understand but in this place here in Russia it is not normal how people treat each other here, how guys drive around drunk and shouting at all women they see when there is no police around and I just don't understand it, why would you do such a thing, even screaming at little girls, I don't know what they shout because I don't understand what they say but I can see the scared look on their face, and it makes me worry for your future because of what you say about the way women get treated there.
All week I have been thinking in 1 thing, a accident in Italy where a cyclist died in the Giro D'Italia and left his girlfriend behind with an unborn baby that should have been born in September and I just feel sick of it, that the little boy or girl will never see the father, that the girlfriend won't have the boyfriend near when she gets the baby and it is just so sad and it just hurts me, I can feel it like I could feel the love in feelings and not in words like ''I love you'' just feel it so pure as we had pure love but now I just feel pure sadness, I can't imagine her pain and the pain of his parents, life is hard for them now like it is for me and there are no things that will make it feel better, nobody and nothing will make them feel better but if I could I would make them feel better, it is something that is called Compassion
Compassion does not exist in life, only in mine, I know to show compassion to people, like I showed you when you tried hurt yourself and I got mad at you for it, it was the only time I was mad at you and you worried I let you after but I didn't, I didn't want to and I showed you compassion and understanding but I didn't get it back in the end, but that's okay, it was your decision and I don't blame you for doing what you think is best but that doesn't make the pain I feel less
Come inside and be afraid Of this impressive mess I've made If you take a look now you will find
I have thrown away my vice Done away with paradise See what's going on inside my mind Please let me out Please let me out Please let me
Branded like an animal I can still feel them burning my mind I do believe that you made your message clear I think I am losing my mind I think I am losing my mind Deprivating, isolating all that I feel Leaving me with images I know are not real Are those words of condemnation that I hear I think I am losing my mind I think I am losing my
Come inside now I implore Do you think you can restore The crucial pieces missing from my brain What seems to be the matter dear Why do you cry and shake with fear I've only had the best dub me insane. Please let me out Please let me out Please let me
Branded like an animal I can still feel them burning my mind I do believe that you made your message clear I think I am losing my mind I think I am losing my mind Deprivating, isolating all that I feel Leaving me with images I know are not real Are those words of condemnation that I hear I think I am losing my mind I think I am losing my mind
I Don't know how much I can take The secret thoughts inside me wake I've lost what was within me Oh sweet insanity
I don't know how much I can take The secret thoughts inside me wake I've lost what was within me Oh sweet insanity
Now I try again to find The thing that was my mind Behold the undersigned Who said I've lost my mind
Try again to find The thing that was my mind Behold the undersigned Who said I've lost my mind
I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost Mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind I've lost my mind
I woke at 10:09:49 in my room in the city center of St. Petersburg, Russia I took a shower and did some wax in my hair, put some nice clothes on and I look at the clock and it's still 10:09:49, why does time seem to stop every day I feel locked up inside, seeing it is friday the 13th, always been a bad day for everybody, except for you and me, it was the day we met, Friday the 13th of February 2010, 1 day before valentines day, you were sad because your valentines day would be bad but I could talk with you even tough I just met you, it could have been written in the stars or maybe it was a co-incidence, I don't know what it was but still I am happy I could make you happy for the time we had and it is something I will remember my whole life, but now Friday the 13th has a new meaning like you can understand, it's not anymore about remembering the day we met or about valentines day, not about the happiness, love and just everything we shared, now it's just about pain and suffering like every day, breaking my ties with everybody I know, looking for a new life on my own, it is something that is supposed to be for me, but not for you, you can and will find a new person, even if I wanted to be that person I can't be it because I can't fight for your love when there are guys near that can always talk to you and I can't and I know you can't stay alone, I know you better than you sometimes know, I took the time to know you, to see what you like and dislike, to find out what you want in the future and to understand you like nobody else did and never more will, I believed in you always, I helped you all the times I could but it wasn’t enough and it keeps hurting that you broke your promises so it is the reason that I no longer want to talk with you, you can do all you want because it has no more meaning for me, someone else will be there for you and get the things you promised me, but luckily that person had to do nothing for it, I made you a better person that felt better, was more happy and was always loved, I hope you’re happy now with your choice, that it was the best you ever did and if it is I am happy for you
I didn't ask for much, I didn't ask for your body or your material things, just wanted to have what lays in your chest, I just wanted your heart because my heart has always been yours, but still I feel it in my chest, so Freddy Krueger you know where to find me, I'm all alone and I won't scream for help, just cut it out and end my suffering today
You can put a new "life" in every clock, I wish I could put a new life in me, a better life
M
(P.S - in a few days I will make a special post about you, but not just for you but for all people in the world, for make them all feel a little special)
I just checked-in in my hotel, had some time to post my previous blog in the lobby before I got my key, was a long day for me with a lot of thinking in life, thinking in the past, preparing and starting my future.
The day started this morning in Moscow, just after checking out I went to the train-station to store my bags in one of those lockers but unfortunately I couldn't find any so I had to carry it with me all day long so I couldn't do all the things I wanted to see but never-mind, I loved the city so I'll definitely go back in the future but than I hope to take a person with me, but I think it will stay with hoping and it will never happen just like everything else I hope to do with someone else, so after I went to the Lenin mausoleum (Мавзолей В. И. Ленина) and to the Pokrov cathedral (Покровский собор) you know, the cathedral that everybody has seen at least once on a photo or on tv when they talk about Russia or the Kremlin, but after seeing those things it was time to leave so I took the subway to the train station to my next destination, St Petersburg where I will spend the next couple of days but the travel with the train wasn't so nice, the train was too crowded and just some people didn't look too friendly, so there was nobody you could chat a little with but when I arrived in St Petersburg there was a great weight falling off my back, just had to take the subway for 20 minutes and had to walk for a few minutes till I luckily arrived at the right hotel, and I am so glad it has WiFi
But now I sit on the balcony, looking over a canal, and listen to the sounds of the city, hearing cars race, people shout, even tough it is already past 01:00 but I guess that it is normal for a city with so many people, but now I just feel a little lonely, so many people around you but nobody to relate to, and it is something everybody wants, but it is hard to think in you, but still I do, I love you, nothing more and nothing less than I did before, but I keep feeling the pain of losing you and it is really bad for me, more than I can write, and it scares me, I am scared of what will come in the future, but I need to live with it, even if I can't live with it I still have to, and sometimes it is really hard and it makes me mad at myself for breaking the wall I had around my heart, but I broke it for you and for the beautiful time we had together I don't regret it, I just regret it for the pain after, but now I can't change a thing about it anymore, I need to rebuild the wall again for my own sake, I'm a new person when I come back home, I was a fool thinking that I could keep you for myself forever, it was already too good to be true in the beginning but I didn't want to see that it could end because I couldn't see mistakes in you, we never had a fight or never got mad at each other, just in the end we were a little grumpy but that is logic, I don't know what the future will bring you, if it brings you luck, if it brings you happiness or if it brings you love, but I hope that you will find it all even tough you will miss all my love..
why would you do such a thing to a person you love..
My body's asleep, and my mind's awake In a shockwave of images, I'm about to break There's a universe that bonds inside my head But I lost the reality that I once had Rapid eye movements take me further away My weary little mind's leading me astray From daylight to darkness, I'm losing control Nothing's what it seems, I'm lost in dreams Lost in dreams I'm lost in dreams My head still screams I'm lost in dreams From daylight to darkness, I'm losing control Nothing's what it seems, I'm lost in dreams My body's asleep, and my mind's awake In a shockwave of images, I'm about to break From daylight to darkness, I'm losing control Nothing's what it seems, I'm lost in dreams My head still screams I'm lost in dreams
I can't take it anymore, I wished my life was more easy... why does a bad thing never come alone..
Life is so cruel and it seems it is just cruel on me..
Too many things have happened the last 2 years, more than I can take but still I need to go on
Uncle commits suicide, grandfather dies, grandmother dies, friends of mine die and still I need to deal with it myself
where is the helping hand a person needs when he is feeling down, where is the hope when you need it
I thought I found a future with you and everything would be alright in the end, but even when you let me it wasn't the only thing that happened, why I deserved to get sick too
I believed in every word you ever said to me, I believed it all, there is too much good I see in people, but in the end it has no meaning
I don't blame you for anything, I don't care anymore that you broke promises, it is your life, and this is mine, I am not used that people keep their promises so don't regret it
I see things from a ''darker'' perspective now and don't trust in people anymore, maybe it is good, maybe it is bad but still is the best for me
I don't believe in a thing called ''Time heals the wounds'' because I went through too much shit in my life, it will never get better, too many things that are staying in my mind till I die, just too many things that have gone wrong, too many times I trusted in people and too many times I got hurt
You can call it ''life'' or ''that's just the way it is'' maybe it is, but I won't live this life longer if it is my future
I write my own ''Destiny'' and I make my own future, I don't need anyone to do it for me, so if this is my life than I just need to live it on my own, so you don't get hurt by people that you love, people that you trust and where you believe in because it's not worth the pain
