NOT A Good Day

I wrote yesterday that I wouldn't write for the entire week but I couldn't let it to not write a little about today you know, It's what is keeping me busy, It is what can keep me a little excited when I look at the flag counter and see that I have a new flag and I still find it important to let you know how I am

Today has not been a good day, my legs hurt, my belly hurts and the rain doesn't seem to stop so I've been inside a cafe most of the day, I had a good conversation with the German owner but nothing more than that
Today while I was walking I had to think a lot about what I wrote, what will come next in life and what you wrote, I don't really understand what you mean with ''the best would be wonderful'' Ok, I understand it was about my post about having my arms around you but I don't understand why you say it, I'd like to have my arms around you but I can't do it so it doesn't matter what I think about it (understand it this way?), even if it was for only once and I've imagined it today for some reason, that we'd be together and I had my arms around you, strange tough but still it brought back good memories

I'm a little ill today, had to throw up in the morning and thought I was going to die, luckily not but still it was pretty terrifying when I woke and I noticed I couldn't stop, I felt so guilty about messing the place up where I was that I asked the cleaning lady in the Hotel if she could supply me with some things to clean it, I cleaned it and thanked the lady before I started to walk again
I'm still so tired you know, I couldn't sleep again last night, I can sleep enough when I'm dead and just so late at night I could only think in the times I was awake with you and I had a dream, A ''night'' dream? I don't know if there is a word or sentence for a dream while you're not asleep at night, I guess it isn't a ''day'' dream but I don't know what to call it so I go for a ''night'' dream

So around 03:00 I was dreaming that I was with you and that you said I couldn't go away anymore but in the dream we could only be together for the night and it made you cry, even in dreams I do it.. but I told you that we could stay awake all night so we could be every second together and it made you more happy, I remember that the cuddling felt so real and the kisses too but finally the weather outside kept me out of my dream again, I was so mad :S

I see that I am not over you, but one day I have to because you are not mine to keep and it is a sad thing because there is no person like you, you even have the same back problem as I have, doesn't that mean that we are made for each other, like magnets contract north with south, just like us.

I guess we will never know

M

(I didn't want to make you sad with what I wrote and it seems you've got the wrong impression of it so I am sorry, I love you)