You Don't Know Anything About Me..

What do you do, say or feel when someone else knows better than yourself how you feel, that someone says that you feel happy but when you say you feel sad that they call you a liar and it hurts inside
How are you supposed to react when someone else tells you how you feel, how the F&%* does someone else know how I feel and calls me a M&$&$F#^#+$ liar when I tell this person how I really feel...Grr I can get so mad with it..

Some people are lucky to have a person in their life that knows just by looking at you how you feel, that person can tell if you are happy, sad, scared or any other feeling and knows how to respond to it to make you feel good about all the things that are happening, someone that believes in your abilities when you have an exam or will hold you tight when you are cold, it is something you don't have to ask, this person will do it and you feel save with him or her and it is something (I think) everyone is looking for, and when you have it make sure you never loose it like I did, just keep holding and loving him or her more and more every day.

Now I have these fake persons with fancy diplomas and they tell you what is good for you, how you feel and how to live your life, they don't even know me, they don't know what I feel, if I tell them I am ready to blow my head off they would say I am overreacting, give me a recipe for some pills and tell me that I should do this instead of that, who the hell are they to tell me what to do, what to feel or what not to feel?

I got here all by myself, some pills won't change me, I'm fine, and I would like to share some words with those fake persons:

''They Say I'm A Dangerous Man, All I'm Doing Is Come Up For Me Own Rights, My Own Needs, And If I Have To Hurt Someone To Get What I Need, I Will Do It Without A Second Thought.
I'm Not A Bad Man But Still They Draw Me Like The Bad Guy In Their Papers, I'd Like To Share A Laugh Or Two, I Like Jokes, But Don't Push Me Till You Wake The Animal Behavior That's Hiding Inside Of Me. I'm Not A King But I Want To Be Treated Like A King, If I Want Something Done, I Will Do It By My Goddamn Self.
I'm A True Leader In My Own World, My Life Is My Life, Not Your! So Keep Your Hands From It, Point A Finger At Me And I Might Break It, It Takes One Snap, Just Remember That..
I'm Always Right, And You're Always Wrong!'' 


I Love You Always <3 :)


M

No Matter The Choice, We Always Lose.

When you lose the one you love, something inside snaps and it hurts so, so much, you feel emptiness surround you and you don't know what to do, something that felt so good isn't there anymore and you want to do all you can to get it back but you don't know how, you start to loose your senses and your mind changes.

Everything that looked so precious seems so worthless, all the beauty in the world is where you can't see it, you get angry but you don't know what to do and you start to run, you run away from all the things you know, trying to let go of something that you only want more and more with each try you do to let it go.

What if the insanity that is raging inside my head of missing you brings this situation: In my left hand I got some pills, I take one and I forget everything about us, but in my right hand I got a loaded gun, which of the two objects should I use? I know the answer, do you?

Just know one thing...

I'd Love To Miss You In The Morning, If I'd See You Again In The Evening.


M

No Inspiration...

Nothing To Write....

Till Monday... :'(

M

Keep Going

I want to run, run again away from where I am now but I can't, I want to quit, just have a break and let it all go but I can't! I need to keep going.
I keep going even tough I don't know where I am going, I keep going because I need to stay strong, I keep going because deep inside I know that I have to, I keep going because I have faith in the final outcome and I know that when I get through this situation I will be stronger, better and a changed person, it's one of lifes many tests that we all must face but in a different way, everybody will be faced with pain one day and it is up to yourself how you deal with it


Will you run? or do you stand and face it.

I like to think in the past, remembering the times with You and how life used to be, but it hurts a little because I feel like the best days of my life are already behind me and it hurts even more, because the best days of someones life should be their marriage and the birth of their child/children but I don't know if I will have any of the two anymore, I don't feel like and I don't know if I still want it.
I wanted like 4 children when You were mine but I can't imagine a better mother than You, so why get children with someone else I can't love as much as I love(d) you, no I think the child wish will remain a wish and nothing more than that :(

Maybe you were right what you said about mailing, maybe we will get mad at each other, maybe we will discuss but to be honest, I don't know where we could discuss about but I am not sure about many things anymore, if love is always there when it is declared by someone or your parents and I keep wondering if this feeling will ever go away, so I guess you are right about what you said and that blogging is the best way to keep contact even tough I miss you every night, I really do...

M

Everybody Wants Happiness

I Hope You Always Find A Reason To Smile

Looking Older.

It's raining very much today, feeling jealous about the places where it is warm at the moment and where the sun is shining, a place where I can be with You, a place where I can only dream about and when I wake I see that the rain still hasn't stopped and I still am so, so cold and wet

When I walk through the streets and see myself in the windows I look old, I look much older than 19 years old and it makes me realize something, I just come to see more and more that life is temporarily and that one day it is all over and it hurts, it hurts because you know that we as mortals are doomed to die but the time we have is beautiful when you can spend it with a person you truly love but that is what I can't do... I can't spend it with You, so what would give my life any purpose?

I have nothing to follow, nothing to pursue, once I had these dreams but not anymore, reality is much harder when it hits you in the face, when the world around you starts to crumble and you're left all alone, yes it is hard and yes it isn't easy but still I am happy that I can manage instead of going crazy and you were right about what you wrote that the ''smile'' isn't really there on my face because I don't know what my mouth does, I don't know if I ''smile'' or if I want to cry, I think that my face is more like this (*_*) without any emotion, without any part of me showing who I am and that is fine for now, there's just 1 person that knows me, and that is You.

It is sweet what you wrote about my wish, it really is, but the main reason that I'd like to be with you isn't because it would be warm and cozy.... no, it would be wonderful because you'd be there in my arms for the night and that's all that I wish for

I loved you so much because you were the only one who could make me feel so happy

I hope in the end that my future will look like this:

We'll go together to the light when we're old.

M

You Give Me The Kind Of Feeling People Write Novels About

1 Wish.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing for a while, I had nothing to write about, nothing that changed my situation or any other good news, I'm afraid I only have bad news..

My days are a little of the same every day again, I wake, I check my mail and your blog and I just start to walk around all day to see if there are rooms available, getting something to eat and I am looking for work and by the way, I think it is better if I don't tell you where I sleep and what I eat because it would just make you feel sad because it just rains all day and where I sleep isn't inside, I am just completely cold all day but I have no reason to feel lost and hopeless, I make my own life and take my own steps, I am f*cking independent :)

But there is something that isn't making me so happy, I look every day to see if you wrote something new on your blog or that you've send a little mail but unfortunately no and it is making me a little disappointed, maybe you have no inspiration to write (me neither) or you didn't have the opportunity to write, there could be a million reasons and I've just seen some visits from your country but I don't know if it was you but I hope it was because this blog is for you and I like it when you visit me.

So if I could make 1 wish today, just one.. I wish I could spend the night with you, just being able to hug you and keep you tight in my arms that have been empty each and every day, feel your warm body in my arms and hear you softly breath, I just wanted your lips to be pressed on mine just one time and I just want to feel happy again, just one time.

That's my only Wish.

M

Miracle.

I've been thinking a lot today, about my future and I have been seeing the news about an attack in Norway, that so many young people have been killed, last time I counted they said 92 and I felt so sad because why did it happen, why do such things happen, it is horrible but it is reality and reality is about good and bad things, but in this life we need miracles.
You can come from a country with a billion people, have wars and a lot of problems but still in some way your parents have met each other and made You, and I think you can call that a miracle

The miracles of everything and everyone, that it is possible to create life inside a woman and how it is possible that the earth spins around 24 hours without anyone falling off, yes that are things that I call miracles.
Miracles that things can grow but that it dies too, people that sit in a wheelchair can walk again, sometimes I even think that flying in a plane is some sort of a miracle when you think of it.

It was a miracle that I found you and even tough we are no longer together I still am very grateful that I found you, you were that miracle that shaped me little by little to the person I am today and will keep shape me more and more in the future.
The place where I found you is not a place you'd never expect a person like you to talk to, to dream with, to smile with and to connect your heart to, yes to me you are a miracle, you were my very own miracle but it wasn't meant to stay, you will make someone else very happy and it is a good thing
Happiness and love are the things I wish you so much, I wish them for everybody so their lives are beautiful from the cradle till the grave.

I think you deserve a miracle the most from all the persons I've ever met, you are sweet, you are kind and you are very caring, you deserve a better life.

but I..

I need a miracle too.

M

A Place Just For Me And....?

No sleep for me tonight I think, it is too damn cold and the news says it will be even worse so I think I will have a cold and lonely night ahead again, I'm starting to feel kind off sicker than usual, fainted today and having the feeling that I need to puke, but that is not the worst, today I feel a little like life is really not fair on me and that I do so much for everyone, I help them, I try to be the best person I can and it just isn't fair if you'd ask me, why do all the assholes get the best things, they hit their girlfriends and still they don't go away from him, I just try to be sweet and kind to every person I meet, not just You, but still everyone tells me to get lost.

Nobody that loves and cares so much as I do for someone should be alone and feel miserable, nobody should have go through the hell of being far away from the person you love with all your heart and soul, but life isn't easy for everybody, some people just have a life full of luck and some others, their lives end already within a day, just imagine how lucky you are that you are alive and healthy, have loving parent, at least I hope you aren't in the same position as I am today.

I think it never was too much to ask just for a sweet and caring girlfriend and it is exactly what I've had for a while, but we couldn't stay together and that is just what life is for me, but I never thought that I deserved to get sick or get homeless, so now I am hoping and praying for something new for me.

I pray and wish a place for me and..me, a place so divine that even god would be jealous at it.

I want it to be somewhere where no one can find me, that is the best anyway, and I want it to be far away from where I am now, where it is 30 Celsius every day and where the beach is so white and the water so clear, just a little heaven on earth.
I want the island to have palm trees with coconuts, I want grass where I can lay on and feel free, I want the water to be warm where I can swim all day, swim with the dolphins or just cool off, I just want to feel happy again and forget where I am and what I am feeling now and stop believing in a good future, I want to let it all go and just be there alone, in the middle of the ocean, no one around, no one to hurt, just a place where I should be now and always, locked in my own prison in a little piece of heaven, it's not what I wanted in the past but I want it now even tough it will always remain a wish.

I was dreaming last night about this little place and where I was with you, just like we wanted, but I see that it is not the point, I can't always, no, never have what I want so I thought it was no use telling that I preferred have you with me on the island, have you near me all the time and that we just had fun all day and looked at the stars every night and holding each other tight when the sun went down and we kissed, it is nice to dream about it but it always stings a little inside when you wake and there is no one there but a pigeon looking for food.

I have to go now, supermarkets close at 18:00 and I haven't had anything to eat so far, I will try to make some photos tomorrow to show the city a little and I hope you had a good day today.

M

Worried.

Today I am worried, I am worried about what the future will bring to.. Me.

I've spend most of my money now even tough I had more money than the average person of my age but I was too dumb to spend most of it on my vacation, I bought expensive ''now useless'' watches in Moscow, I spend the night in expensive hotels in St Petersbourg and Nizjni Novgorod, the other nights I was in a normal hotel or people were kind enough to let me stay in their home but I just haven't been thinking that when I got home I could get a bad reaction and that was silly from me

Continueing about being worried, like I just said I've made some bad purchases that haven't been such a good idea but now I am kind of in a conflict with myself because I just have 2 choices: spend the money I have on food ór spend it on shelter and I need both because as the summer here doesn't mean 28 Celsius and no rain but 18 celsius and a lot of rain.. I just don't know what to do anymore.... I suppose I can stay in the trainstation some nights but it isn't that safe because they're dealing cocaine outside (I think) and I wouldn't like to get arrested for sleeping there.

I never had to worry about money, I got all the things I wanted even as a child, I had it all but I let it slip away because of the sorrow I felt inside for someone else, but I don't blame it on that, I could have had the sorrow in my own bedroom but I chose to go away even tough I still am really sick and I think I have to go to the hospital sooner or later again or things will go very wrong here.

Just a little something about tonight, I stayed in a hotel last night and I am afraid I took a really expensive one again... I don't learn so easily from my mistakes.. a quick shave, a nice shower, recharged my iPhone and my laptop and I started to search for a place to stay and I went to some Human Resource agencies to show that I was available but I started to get problems there because I don't have an adress anymore so I couldn't do anything but leave..

Now I'm in the station again to write a little something, life ain't so easy today and I'm quite hungry :S

I hope you are having a good day, I love you very much!

M

No Home.

Walking around all day in this city looking for a place to stay, this is even harder than it was in Russia, but I know I can't stay in this city for a long time because I will go to my university in a short period of time so I decided to make it a very short stay because I will go there tonight, I'm in the trainstation at the moment btw, they got free WiFi there so I am able to post a little something and I would feel more like a jerk if I didn't post anything after what you've posted because it was sweet :)

I'm not as strong as you might think, that I'm not crying doesn't mean that I am very hurt on the inside, believe me that I am hurt but I know my mother is hurt too, showing your child the door is something that breaks a mothers heart but I know she had no choice.
Crying doesn't change a thing about the situation I am in now and I need to take care of myself for a little while because she hasn't tried to contact me and offered help, but she can think the same as I am thinking, that I should call first and say that I am sorry before she gives help, but I am not going to call her, sometimes you just have to let go off it, of course I will contact her sooner or later but not yet, I can't do it now, I need to give her some rest and I need to get at peace with it.

I didn't liked it that you cried, you shouldn't cry for me anymore and I remember it very well that you love me, I won't forget it that soon and to me you still are special, you can't deny it..

I don't know what will await me in Maastricht, I love the city and it has some nice things there but I wouldn't like it if I needed to use help from the Salvation Army, it isn't for me, at least some days I can stay in a hotel there because I have enough money but I will search every day for a place I can stay till university begins and I will try to get my treatments restarted but I don't know how to get it done with my insurance agency so till than life is a bit uncertain and scary, like it was the past 2 months, at least I can speak my own language and it feels a bit more like ''Home'' even tough I will be again far from Home

Remember that I Love You too.

M

Alone Again..

 

I traveled a lot of distance today and I couldn't take it anymore, my legs hurt so much and I haven't slept for more than a week and it really hurts, my eyes hurt, my heart hurts, I am just filled with pain so I decided to take the train and within 3 hours I was back in my home village
Everything still looks the same, the neighbors look surprised to see me but no one approached me, I just went straight to the door and there was my mother.. she didn't expect me at all and at first she seemed very happy to see me but after a while the mood changed and she said that I had to leave again.

''I hope you will have a good place to spend the night'' that were the last words my mother said to me when she told me I couldn't stay at home anymore and she has many reasons not to let me in home anymore, I was away when my father had surgery, twice, I didn't even knew that :( and she can't forgive me the fact that I went away and haven't been in touch for such a long time and not sending photos or answering my phone, I wish I could but I didn't had reception everywhere, damn there are so many reasons why I couldn't call but none of them works when a mother misses their child and I've been stupid that I didn't call her often enough

Before I went away I had to ask myself if all the beautiful things in the world, breathtaking nights and all kind of other new things way up to your own family, in my case.. No.

Love your family even tough they aren't perfect, love them with all your heart because someday tyou can use their help so much, don't get yourself into the same problems as me for any reason, I admit that being away was good and changed me but nothing and nobody can change your family, just you can

Ik hou van jullie en ik ga jullie missen, meer dan jullie weten :'(

If I already know what I will do next.. not really.. university starts in a few weeks so I have a little time left to find a place there, get my finances right and make sure I have all the things I need for a good study environment, it's just not the same anymore as my parents won't visit me and I need to do all things alone

I just need a better life so I need to change but I just need a little help to do it, even tough I don't deserve it

I Need To Do It Alone

I wish my life could be a bit more like this, I still wish it will be with You

M

You are the most important to me

M

Makebeliever

Should I say that I am sorry for asking people to look for my blog, to be sorry that people in the world can read that since I've lost you I am not the same anymore, that I did so many things alone and far away from home and still doing the best I can to care for you even tough we aren't together, and your parents must have done something very good to have you, because you are very special
But is it bad that the world can read that you were and still are so, so special in my life and what you meant and still mean for me so that they can believe that there is love for them too and that they can find a person too that loves them very much and that makes them feel happy and in love all the time, something that makes them believe that modern fairytales still exist even tough our ended a little sooner than we expected

Should I be sorry for asking people to ask friends about this blog and my flagcounter? so what that I have a flagcounter? you don't like it that other people can read that it doesn't take 2 extraordinary people to live a fairytale together? or do you think that when I ask people to read it that the blog is suddenly less about you and me? but I am sorry if you don't like it.

I like the counter, that I can see people from all over the world to read that it doesn't matter where they live, how they look or whatever else for that matter, everybody can find happiness when you keep searching on places you wouldn't expect.

And another thing, why would I be more mad or sad with what you've written the other day, why wouldn't I suddenly not like to be in your arms while I wrote it myself and why can't I wonder why you gave your answer because I didn't expect it, because if I could and I still mean it today I WISH, WANT, NEED and DESIRE you in my arms all day and all night, sleep with you, make love with you, kiss you, take you to a restaurant and go to the beach with you but I can't do it, alright!?

Maybe I did something wrong in your eyes today to make you write what you wrote and it made me sad so I listened a song today and It really makes me feel like I feel, it is called ''I Am Not Perfect'' and sorry I am not, I tried the best I could but I am not and I don't know if I should be perfect but I feel like I have to be, and after what you've written today I am certain about my case, I haven't told it to you and I am glad I didn't because now I won't hesitate no more about my cause
My cause is better for you..

So if you give up I guess I have to do the same, Goodbye.

M

I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU WROTE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE SAID LAST TIME I TALKED WITH YOU, IF WE ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER WE WILL FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN, I LIKE TO READ YOUR BLOG AND I DON'T LIKE IT IF YOU STOP :(

BUT IF YOU MUST THAN I WON'T STOP YOU :'(

NOT A Good Day

I wrote yesterday that I wouldn't write for the entire week but I couldn't let it to not write a little about today you know, It's what is keeping me busy, It is what can keep me a little excited when I look at the flag counter and see that I have a new flag and I still find it important to let you know how I am

Today has not been a good day, my legs hurt, my belly hurts and the rain doesn't seem to stop so I've been inside a cafe most of the day, I had a good conversation with the German owner but nothing more than that
Today while I was walking I had to think a lot about what I wrote, what will come next in life and what you wrote, I don't really understand what you mean with ''the best would be wonderful'' Ok, I understand it was about my post about having my arms around you but I don't understand why you say it, I'd like to have my arms around you but I can't do it so it doesn't matter what I think about it (understand it this way?), even if it was for only once and I've imagined it today for some reason, that we'd be together and I had my arms around you, strange tough but still it brought back good memories

I'm a little ill today, had to throw up in the morning and thought I was going to die, luckily not but still it was pretty terrifying when I woke and I noticed I couldn't stop, I felt so guilty about messing the place up where I was that I asked the cleaning lady in the Hotel if she could supply me with some things to clean it, I cleaned it and thanked the lady before I started to walk again
I'm still so tired you know, I couldn't sleep again last night, I can sleep enough when I'm dead and just so late at night I could only think in the times I was awake with you and I had a dream, A ''night'' dream? I don't know if there is a word or sentence for a dream while you're not asleep at night, I guess it isn't a ''day'' dream but I don't know what to call it so I go for a ''night'' dream

So around 03:00 I was dreaming that I was with you and that you said I couldn't go away anymore but in the dream we could only be together for the night and it made you cry, even in dreams I do it.. but I told you that we could stay awake all night so we could be every second together and it made you more happy, I remember that the cuddling felt so real and the kisses too but finally the weather outside kept me out of my dream again, I was so mad :S

I see that I am not over you, but one day I have to because you are not mine to keep and it is a sad thing because there is no person like you, you even have the same back problem as I have, doesn't that mean that we are made for each other, like magnets contract north with south, just like us.

I guess we will never know

M

(I didn't want to make you sad with what I wrote and it seems you've got the wrong impression of it so I am sorry, I love you)

Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell - Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Listen Baby...

Ain't no mountain High
Ain't no valley Low
Ain't no river wide enough baby

If you need me call me
no matter where you are
no matter how far (don't worry baby)
ill be there in a hurry
you don't have to worry

Cause baby there
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Remember the day
When I said you free
I told you you could always always count on me yeah
From that day on
i made a vow
ill be there when you want me
someday somehow

Cause baby there
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Oh no darling (no wind, no rain)

All winter's cold cant stop me baby
(now don't stop me baby)
if you're ever in trouble
I'll be there on the double
just sitting for me
ooo yeah

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Nothing can keep me keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from you babe...

Ain't no mountain High enough

No Time To Write

As you've might noticed I've written a few little things today, It's better to write a little because I won't write anymore next week, I simply don't have the time, I need to make up the time I've lost with going the wrong direction, so I should actually walk non-stop to see where I will end up.

I am not doing so well and the lack of energy will let ''The Story Of A Heart'' wait a little longer for being finished because I'm so tired, I want to fall asleep but I can't, I want to dream again and I can't, I stay awake all night every night and even tough I have no energy I still can't sleep and I decide to walk again at 2:45 in the morning all day till 8 to see if there is a supermarket open or maybe a simple bakery, but I feel sick just with the smell of food and it sucks, Bleeeeeegh I hate my life so much at the moment that I don't care if it's over today or tomorrow..

Have a good week and I hope the party you are working on will be good

I (still) Love you

M

Poem #10

I miss you more than words can say
I cry, without you, every night
I move through days as though I'm numb
When you're not here, I don't feel right

I miss your smile, the sound of your laugh
I long for the taste of your kiss
I can't wait to see your face
I never thought I'd need you like this

I need to hear your voice in my ears
I miss your fingers running through my hair
I want to feel your hand in mine
I miss the late-night talks we share

You're the only one who knows me
You see straight into my heart
That's why I can't stand one more day
Of you and I being apart.
M

Search Inside Me

The bad food starts to take it's toll, of course it is impossible to eat nothing but apples from a tree, some occasional berries and cookies, I lost a lot of weight these months, around 12-15 kg I think, I think it looks good for some reason but I know I can't stay this way forever and I don't have the luxury of a supermarket every 2 km here like I had at home...

Home is where the heart is, is where the people that care are and that miss you, Home is where your mother awaits you with a listening ear for your problems (I hope it's the same for you) and Home is where your father is who will do his best to give you everything you need to be happy and become successful in your life (Again it is what I hope you have too) and Home is where the people are where all the people are where I ran away from.. :'(

The weather is starting to get worse and worse so I walk only a few times a day because it is just dangerous sometimes and beside that I think...I don't think I will be happy again so soon, not home, not where I will go next, not inside, especially not inside me.

Inside me isn't a wonderland filled with candy, little bunnies and all things to pleasure the mind and senses.. No, it isn't that place anymore for a while, but my mind used to be like that, it used to be filled with everything I could imagine and all I could imagine was you, I saw you in my mind, in my heart and in my arms, I could see you everywhere I went, taking a shower with me, I saw you fall asleep in my arms every night but woke with empty arms in the morning.

You were everything I wanted and you were everywhere I looked but unfortunately you were mine temporarily how much I even tried, and I had to let you go and now I can't find you anymore, I searched in the back of my head if I could remember the nights we spend together and every day I try to find you again in my heart to see if you are still there, and are you?; because it becomes harder and harder to find you, I just am still so sad because of the games we used to play together are still written on paper, the words and thoughts we shared are still in my memory and your face is still near me every day, your letter and ring are (I think) still in my room, you can understand it was to hard to take them with me, It was so hard to find you but I did and it was so easy to loose you, I didn't have to do anything for it and sometimes I just wish if I could just have 1 more day with you but than I say to myself that the day will be over too soon and it has no additional value and will do nothing more than hurt again for both in the end.

I really thought we would be together always, you inside me but I don't want to get old alone so I have to keep searching for number #2 but I want you to know that you are number #1 just as...

M

(P.S. I will try to upload a photo of me in 2 weeks or so)

What will happen....

I seriously don't know what to write anymore, all my energy is being drained from my thoughts to my feet to keep me moving and now of my lack of energy I've been walking the wrong direction yesterday and walked further into Germany....Fuck it.. I just write because I got nothing to just, I'll tell a little about what I see now

Like I just said I walked the wrong way, I walked in the direction of Bayern, I believe it is called Bavaria in English but I'm not sure, I followed a road alongside a river and I was thinking why it took so long to get to The Netherlands, because I was sure I had to see some road signs today leading to Dutch cities but unfortunately Munich started to appear once and when I saw it again and I saw the distance till there got shorter I kinda wasn't too happy about it but getting mad won't change it and I need the energy and besides that the energy goes to my feet, it unfortunately keeps running through my mind

I can't stop thinking in what will happen when I get home, even tough you've said that they will probably be very happy when I get back I would like to remind you that they take my things away for days when I do something they don't like, what if they tell me to get out and don't come back, what will I do than, what can I do than?
I don't know that many people and I don't know anyone that would take me in for weeks till university starts, I...I...I just don't know what to do and there is no one that will or can help me with it, I don't know what will be when I get home :(

I just want to run away again you know, just like I used to do, just run and avoid the confrontation from things I never liked, everybody has those feelings sometimes like when you have an oral exam some people want to sink through the floor because they are so nervous, I'm not one of those people luckily but I have way bigger problems than an oral exam, I run away from all difficult things in life instead of facing them, I'm just a wussy sometimes, I'm too sweet sometimes and other moments I am ''too much'' of something, I don't know how else to explain, I'm too sweet, too mad, too caring, just ''too'' and that is never something good, ''too'' much of something is always bad, maybe I couldn't keep you because I loved you ''too'' much

M

Almost Home...

Dark sky today here in the middle of Germania, laying here on a hill and it is raining very much, AAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!!!! I hate rain, damn it, I don't mind rain for that matter, just let it rain when I sleep somewhere warm instead of outside in a little tent or whatever I should call it, I've been in this country for 3 days now and all I saw was rain and old people, I can't sleep because of the noise that it makes, I want to sleep!! I NEED to sleep, but I can't, not even if I lay in a warm bed now, I am not at peace with myself, there is so much left for me to do here alone and I am not doing well on the inside, I really need a doctor here, But I will change, I won't think bad anymore so let's hope I will be doing better tomorrow

It's been a while since I've heard from you, I've read your blog a few times and sometimes you've written something new, but since I've heard nothing I think it's time for me to write something new, these messages won't be so good as some previous ones because I'm out of inspiration to write, I feel like nothing, I don't want nothing and I will do nothing, I've only got inspiration for your story and for all other things I just got nothing, sorry

The days start to blend together, every day is one and the same, just wake up alone, break up my tent and pack them in my bag, sometimes take a dive in a lake or a river (god knows what might live in there but why would I care?) buy some drinks and food for the day and walk all day alone, rest a little alone, eat something alone and sleep again alone, I wish there was something better for me :(

I hope to be home in a few days and I really still am worried for what my parents might say or do, if they are happy to see me or kick me out, because when they kick me out I am afraid our ways will end here, I don't know what I will do than, I will be homeless than and I bet after a while will run out of money so it would just be a matter of time before I have to sell my things... and .... and..... I guess I just am afraid of their reaction that I already start to imagine what will have to come, like I did with you, just imagine with what had to come :'-(

All I can do daily is write my story for you, just write about ''The story of a heart'' and it is going to be so good, It is going to be the best post I so far did and it is what is keeping my mind a little busy, makes me think that I can finish something that is unfinished and that it will be good for the future, but how nice it maybe can be, I still wish I never would have had to write it, because when I used to miss you I just had to get on my laptop, go online to MSN or Skype and you were always there, didn't matter if it was 08:00 or 03:00 you were always there for me, you'd listen to everything I had to say and helped me where ever you could but of course I wished you were always in my arms to hold but the laptop was the second best, but now when I miss you I know you're not there and to be honest, I really miss it, I miss our connection and the things we could talk about, just missing everything about ''us'' :(

M

Guess how my night is going to be..:-(

Sleep well and get a good grade!

Cold and Wet Max

Cold and Dark

I never wanted to be in the place where I am now, not the physical nor the mental location, I need to live with the fact that it's over between you and me, that I won't be with the one I love most forever, that the children I imagined we'd get will never be there and that I won't marry you and it is so hard when I keep thining about it, that a decision you made can change the life and future of a person you knew from far away, what we had was beautiful, I am not perfect, but I was worth the wait

I feel lonely out here, I'm bored and I'm sick every day and feeling worse by the minute, just imaging the reaction of my parents when they see me, I just can get to the 2 most likely, first is that they hug me and are very happy to have me back but the second reaction isn't that good, I'll see them kick me out again and say that I can't come back and to be honest, I don't blame them, I've been away for like 2 months or something but it feels so much shorter, like 2 weeks or something but I just can't stop thinking in their reactions, it keeps me awake at night but now getting to the point of "Cold and Dark"

1) how I am doing
2) little riddle

How I am doing... I just write it because of your post on your blog, and I wish you luck for your pharmacology exam :)

Short answer; I'm not doing well

Long answer; I'm really not doing well but I can't tell you why, I don't want you to worry, you got enough problems of your own for as far as I can read it on your blog..

But now the little riddle, I will replace the "Mystery" word with "Ice" so you don't get confused

Good luck with the solving :)

It's something everybody has, everybody has ice in their body
Ice where everybody walks on, it's hard and it can hold the weight of a truck so some people can jump on it or throw rocks on it but it won't break, just scratches but that doesn't matter, it will freeze again so it will get better, but for everyone there is someone that can make the Ice melt, a sweet and kind person will make the Ice less thick, a person that you want to have in the Ice so it melts so it's just a little layer, but if this person jumps, but you trust this person because when the person jumps it will crush the Ice and will bring more pain than you can imagine, this person will drown in the water and hurt you more but as we all now, when someone breaks the ice and it freezes again, it will never be the same again doesn't matter how much you try, the cracks in the ice will always be visible till the day you die and the ice starts to melt..

I hoped you people liked it and got the "Mystery" word and if you did... Congratulations and 10 points for you :)

M

(P.S I am working on a little story called "The Story Of A Heart" and it is for you to feel better, I don't like what I read and I really hoped you'd feel better after you did what you did but you are right; life ain't fucking easy, but better days lay ahead and will bring someone that will be your for all time and love you the way I did and will worry for your skin problem like I do now, just so you know I still care)

I'm a Cliché