In The Hospital..

Been away for a while as some of you may noticed, I usually would write every 1-2 days or even multiple times a day but I couldn't, because I'm in the hospital..

I don't know why but for some reason I got a heart attack.. just what I needed when all things come together in case of trouble, I should be in university tomorrow but I can't, don't listen to people when they say ''whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'' that's not the way it works, I feel very lifeless, I can't remember what happened the past days, I can just remember that I am so busy with everything that comes to this point, decorate my room, get my books, supplies for university, earning money to rent the room and buy myself groceries, maybe all that stress just came out and I fell down.

I couldn't believe what the doctor told me 2 days ago, they kept me in a coma and he said I got very, very lucky and even tough I don't share his opinion we could both laugh about it, deep inside I didn't laugh, but I didn't but I didn't want to ruin the moment, that moment I was happy to be alive

Maybe there is something better for me, maybe ''He'' has a better purpose for me, I don't believe in a God tough, but it can be called a miracle that I'm still here, but I have no idea why, I'm all by myself here, no family or anyone that has visited me so far, so I decided to grab my laptop and write a little something because you got home and I'm happy for it, but I see that I shouldn't be happy anymore or wait for anything, and I guess that I shouldn't mentioned I counted the days till you got back, at least I counted them as far as I could

I'm sorry if my last post hurt you in any way, and if your new wish or dream is to go back to where you just were than you should follow it and like you said, make me forget your existence, than I'm sorry, I can't forget your existence, the only thing I'll do is wondering about you, wondering where you are, what you do and what you became, because that are the things we tried to have for ourselves, but that dream has become a nightmare and of course, what can you do with me, 19-year old with a heart attack and will be sick all his life, not the dream you and me had in mind for ourselves.

Now I don't have you anymore, just guess if I sleep well..

Dreams just don't come true, they just happen or they don't.

M

Glad You're Back

I'm happy you're back and I hope you had a good time wherever you have been.

The Desolate One

Finally a little inspiration in this broken mind to write about, just the inspiration comes out in little fragments of what the original might would have been, this solitude that I'm in for quite a while now hasn't been good for me, just made my life just a little bit hard you know, the little hope you have or the light that always shines in the dark is slowly fading away again, just going further and further away from the point you are at this moment, that it makes my life a little more dark, but luckily you are there..

You will always look the same because the pictures on the wall don't age with me and it is hard to think we've promised to be together always while you will always be 18 on the wall, never aging and always looking as beautiful as the day you made it, but it is hard like I told you before, that promises and trusting people will never be the same

I haven't been able to be in my room as often as I'd like, I still have to paint it and decorate it, some things on the wall and give it a home feeling like I haven't had in months, need to make it my new home while it still feels like an empty shell that I have to live in, far away from all that I want, need, love and desire, just away from you is what makes it more harsh and more painful but as everything, it was inevitable that this moment would happen , love and happiness just weren't and aren't made for me, despite what people say and what you've said, It is hard but unfortunately it is the truth, whether I like it or not

In contradiction of my last post, I'm doing quite bad the last few days, got a lot of headaches and my body just tells me to stop moving and rest in peace, and instead of doing the things that are important i'm just sitting here behind my laptop playing games, sometimes I work a little and I'm waiting till you write something, but unfortunately you don't and I think I should stop looking for it.

There's no one here, there's no one there to wait for me, not in this life or in another...you were all that I needed..

I'm The Desolate One

M

I always Miss you

If Dreams Came True

Dreams and Wishes will always be related to each other, we Dream of things that are impossible and we Wish things that are seemingly impossible, we Dream that we can fly, that we look different or that we can be with the person we desire most in our hearts and when you wake in the morning, you Wish that what you've Dreamed has become reality, but when I Dream late at night and I wake in the morning with the deepest Wish that you lay next to me, my arms always disappoint me because they aren't wrapped around you in the morning

But like you've said ''Wishes don't happen'' and you are right, everybody wishes every day, they wish they had studied for an important exam when they get an F from their teacher or a young woman hears she has lung cancer and she wished she never took that first cigarette, but when their wishes aren't heard they start to Dream about how life could have been if they made other decisions...what life would be like if Dreams came true.

If Dreams came true and when Wishes would be answered you'd probably think that life would be wonderful and why not? everybody would wish they were rich, they were healthy and possessed all they wanted, they would have a big mansion, many cars and a lot of women, I think I just described the most ideal life for most men, and what else would you wish, I bet everyone wanted to look beautiful, that they are popular and that they have a lot of friends and I know people will wish dead relatives back and to be honest, who wouldn't? if your child is sick I bet you'd wish he/she will get better, just simple, but if all wishes come true, what is there to live for?

When all Dreams and Wishes come true there is nothing to live for, you have it all and I think it would be bad and eventually break people up, they wish for some people to die or even worse, but just instead of answering our Wishes, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, when we decide to drink a lot and do things we regret we know that we shouldn't do it and learn from it, and when we have something that we can't keep, how beautiful it may be, we have to learn from it and move on, no matter how much it may hurt

If my wishes would be answered from above I would wish that I could fly, so I could fly to you and when I dream at night of the sweetest, warmest and most wonderful sleep with you than I would wish in the morning that I could sleep that way with you each and every night....and I would wish that I could be with you, always being with you in the morning, during the day and all through the night.

It is too much to ask and it is what no one will ever get, their Wishes answered and their Dreams come true, but just 1 little Wish to make a Dream come true, is that too much to ask?

I know I'll keep wishing and I know I'll keep dreaming and if we let it happen and if we are really meant to be together forever, I know that our Dreams will come true :)

I love you

M

Divided

''Is there something wrong with me? Did I hurt you or make you feel sad, I let you alone when you needed me the most or is there something else?'' is what I asked on the phone, but I got no answer from no one, just a slowly breathing voice that clicked me away, my own mother clicked me away.

My mother is right if she doesn't want to talk with me, even tough I tried to tell her I was sorry for the things I've done and will do in the future but she didn't care to listen, I think she just wants me to have a hard time and show me that life wasn't so bad after all if I was still at home and never went away, but it would have made me a different person than I am today so this was supposed to happen, I don't think that I would have been better if I didn't went away, I wouldn't have been able to cope with what I lost, so I just ran as what anyone would've done if they lost what I lost.
I lost the love of my life

But to let you know a little about how I am doing and how my progress on the room is doing, I'm doing fine actually, I feel more energy and I feel just a little better with each day.
Everyday I'm still thinking about you and wondering what you are doing at that specific moment, I still read your blog and I am working on a post as a reaction on your last post, I hope you will like it, and I still miss you a lot every day.
The room is starting to get shape, the floor is almost in, the curtains are almost finished, I will start on the walls next week and I found some things for the interior, just to keep it short, I did it all by myself
yes, just by myself...

Sometimes I still envy you, I know that your relationship with your parents and your brother isn't always moon- and sunshine but at least they have a warm bed for you at home, there is food enough and there are at least people around you and when you go back to university, there is food that your mother gives you that you just have to warm up, there are people around you to talk with and I hope you will meet someone new again to make you happy, it's the opposite of how it is here, I have to get all the groceries and cook them on a little gas cylinder they use on a camping, so the taste of it isn't that great at all and it just hurts a little, I just don't really know how to explain it's just that I am like the third wheel on a bike, you don't need a third wheel, you get the point? what I am trying to say is that life is hard enough on it's own when you are alone and in need of just a little help but there is no help and everything is against you, just everything is against me... :(

M

Poem #11

The beat in my heart
Every beat says your name
No matter what you say
My life can never be the same
Maybe only through words
You were good at your game
I dreamt that I was winning
Even while putting myself to shame
I can never let anyone know
How foolish I have been
As my heart never actually realized
That you barged in without even being seen
I wish I could go back in time
As now I have no place to turn
Believe me, this pain is pure torture
Deep inside me, my heart is on burn
All through my thoughts
Your feelings run deep
When you don’t seem to feel the same
I cry myself to sleep

Love is like...

Every day I look outside, whether it is raining or if the sun is shining, I see animals together and happy, I see them flying in the rain or I see some little squirrels running in the trees and then I think of you
When I see little birds in their nest while the father is looking for worms and the mother is keeping them warm I think of us and how we could have been, making you a good breakfast while you were still laying in bed and I could make you a little happy

I know what made you go away from me is still keeping you away from me I know and it still hurts us both because the love between you and me isn't becoming any less and I will describe it a little in the animal world and luckily I haven't seen it yet and I hope I never have to because in my opinion it is one of the saddest things of life

Swans are beautiful birds, they are majestic and somehow I think they are the ''animals of love'' just like we were the ''humans or love'' but something about them makes them so beautiful, when they find the Swan they want to be with they will never go away from it again, they stay together always, they swim together and lay their necks into each other and make the infamous heart shape like this picture shows ==>

So from then on they defend each other like crazy, they fight for each other like I would do for you, they protect the family and their lover and I'm sure you know or heard from people that Swans can get very aggressive when they have little swans with them and just as people do, when they have children they (hopefully) always care for them and make sure they grow up

But here comes the sad part, there are 2 ways that can end the life of a Swan, Age or a Hunter, and it doesn't matter which one of it is, because the other Swan will always stay with the lifeless body, so when one of them dies the other swan will go crazy but still will bring food and tries to get the life back in the other swan but we know that it won't happen, the Swan stops eating too because of the pain of love that it brings so the living Swan dies too and in one way I think it is so beautiful, that you die for the one you really love because I would do it too

So if you'd ask me now what love is, I think Love is like....being able to give all time and happiness to the one you love with all your heart

M

The Story Of A Heart

Sorry that this story took so long, I did not have a lot of inspiration lately and I couldn't find interesting, sweet and kind things to write since I've written already many, many things here on my blog but this is something new I've been working on, I tried to make it something that will speak to you when you read it and I hope it will show that how good something may be, It can always be better than it looks and time will tell it to you if the impression you have of someone will stay the same all the time or gets better or worse

Have a good time reading and I hope you will remember better times

''You will remember it all you life when you meet a person that fits you so, so well that you want to tell him everything and want to share everything with him, that life seems nothing but a party and that it doesn't matter where he is, where he is from, if he is rich or poor or is cute or not, you know you want to be there so bad that it physically hurts that you aren't there, it is called ''a true love''

A person that has a listening ear for you and where you can spill all your problems without being judged for them, where that person tries to be the best for you and make you happy every single way he can, even tough he isn't perfect he tries to be perfect for you just to make you happy and feel good

When this person makes you happy you start to feel warm inside, your heart starts to glow and give you wonderful feelings inside and you know you want more, you started to get addicted to this person but it is commonly known as ''being in love'' and it is true, when you're in love you don't want anything else than be with the person you're in love with all the time and try to make this person as happy as this person makes you happy
If we ask Wikipedia what love is Wikipedia will say that it is an emotional reaction to a person that gives chemical reactions that feel good but I think what we had was so much stronger, what we had was so, so perfect, it was way further than in love, you weren't my true love, you were so much more, like a ''soul/heart/mind/body mate'' I don't know how else to describe it

Every moment I was with you it was like a dream, the way we could talk the talk, how the connection between us was so strong from the beginning, that every night we smiled together when we imagined everything we wanted to, that we loved each other already from the beginning and that you made me feel the way no one has ever done before and I can still feel you inside my heart, I hear your voice in my head telling me everything will be alright while it isn't, but just to hear it makes me feel better, my heart still plays our story when I feel sad, just like it did when I wasn't here and in the moments I wanted to give up, your voice made me continue my way

But like every good story, there is a sad part too... what happens when 2 people love each other with all their heart but can never be together, well let's just say 3 years but that's no difference with forever, what would you do? would you give up or stick together, Will your love fight the tears of your lover and make him/her believe that even tough you're far, your mind is always with that person and that you will always be there, not physical but in his/her heart, can you beat time?
It's something we've been telling ourselves for a long time that we would never give up and that it's just 3 years, but no matter how strong a love is, missing you won in the end and cost me you.

''Our story hasn't ended yet, our story is always writing something new when the ends starts to come near, so just believe me when I say that there will always be a little bit of me with you all your life'' even tough there are moments we will be lonely and alone in a room, inside we will never be alone again, no matter what life brings us, my heart will never forget our story and I love you always

It isn't fair that the true hearts can't be together always, that the cheaters and the people that don't love each other can be together but that's the way love is, when you find someone that makes you sing you just have to do more afford to get what is really just your to have, you can just give your heart to one person
This person becomes the most precious thing in life when your heart tells you that he/she is the one for you to grow old with, don't doubt because of anything, when he/she is the right person for you go for it and do all you can to convince him/her that you are made for each other and make your own little fairy tale like I have had with You, a Story Of A Heart

So believe me when I say that I love you, I made this blog that is dedicated to you because I love you and every post I made beside 'Father's Day'' all are related to you to express the feelings I have in that moment or that day about you or because of you, I've written a song for you because I love you and still haven't posted it because I think you won't like it but one day I will, I really miss you and I think it is a shame we aren't together anymore and I've got to live with it and that I don't like it won't change it so I can only let it be the way it is now.

What the future will bring to you is happiness, I know it and won't stand in your way for you to find it because I wish you all the happiness in the world even tough it means that I can't give it to you, but my heart will never forget you and our story, so whatever happens..

I Love you

M

Worried

Just let me know that you're still there, I'm really worried :(

Good?

I start to change a little more inside and I don't think it is for the good, I don't really know how to explain it but I think the ''logic'' starts to change into ''complex'' things, I don't see the value of some things anymore, not the value of money or the value of having more than someone else

Nothing lasts forever, not you, not me, not this planet or the universe, everything is constantly changing for something good or something bad, it's just the way you look at it.

been a long time since I've heard from you, been a few days and no new posts or anything else, I guess you're still busy with the party or have no inspiration for anything but that's ok I guess, I too don't even know if you still read this blog I just guess you do

Today I think I got some good news, got a place to stay, it isn't much but it is something, I've just got to decorate it myself but here it is:

I have nothing to say anymore, had a busy day and have a lot to do tonight and the coming days, at least I got a new job and a roof but nothing there so I think the night won't be going so well.

I hope better days are coming now

M

(I'm sorry that my posts start to suck so much, from now on I will just post something when I have something good to post)

Reality

I was talking to this idiot the other day and as he looked back from the mirror (so I'm talking about me) I realized I was right about one thing. There is an answer... and the answer is being with you. I love you for better or for worse, this time we that we have, this can be part of the better part, because we'll be together and that way everything even this is better... 


My life could have been perfect by now, and it is perfect at this very moment, if I could spend every moment with you and even if the time I have left is limited, I'd still be the happiest person I could ever be, but unfortunately I have to live with this cancer inside me and who is there to blame? I am so mad at life for how it threatened me all my life and that it didn't give me what I could expect from it but what will it change? should I get mad at everyone in the world because I have this for no reason, no I can't do that, it is not fair to feel this way but I can't blame someone else for it, I have to live with it even if it is just for a short while that I may have left, but I hope I will get better sooner or later
But if in case I die, I don't want you to look for me, I don't want you to visit my funeral or will search for my grave, I want you to live your life to the fullest and grow up to become a successful young woman.


Of course I am more than angry like I just said, but who should I be angry at, everybody? or maybe God?
I don't think it would be fair if I should be mad at them, I won't and can't blame anyone for what is inside me, not the air, not the people around me, nobody, and I think it would be very selfish if I take out my own emotions on other people, I think the problem that I have now, well.. It might have an answer.. In the shape of a poem, like in the old days.. 


Have I ever mentioned to you how much I like you?
Well, I mean, I don't mean love, I love you, you know that, do you?
But I like you a lot too, I'm in like with you
It's hard to listen to your heart beat, when it is far away from mine, where I wish it was close to me all the night
Pounding in my shattered heart kept in a box from steel and stones, where the little pieces are as one heart again
The box that I won't break open no more, not to walk or not even dare to climb
It's hard to realize that you have to give up the fight and sometimes in our case, That just isn't right
So somethings you've always want but never could have, will always remain broken in my deep dark mind
Tonight it is raining like it has never done before, raining through the streets, raining in my eyes
I'm not asking for your life or for something that you can't give, I just hope you give me another chance in the future, I just want a new chance to Live.


A little dark I know, but I hope you liked it, I made it for you and sorry again for the lack of inspiration.

M

I can't let go..

Future

The future I had in mind for me long ago is so far away from the point I am at now, I couldn't ever imagine it a year ago, just 1 year ago I was so, so happy with you and we were imagining our future and how we wanted to spend it till we would die together, I was so sure it would happen and nothing could change my ideas and look where I am now, I'm down, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm alone, there's no one to hold and even my own family doesn't want to have me close to them, yes... it's a future that I could only dream of in my darkest hour.

Days slowly pass, every day a bit more dark than the day before, yes the sun may shine but inside the light slowly starts to fade and so does my hope for a better future but it is too easy to say that it will never get better, I can't look in the future tough I am so curious for it, I am so curious what will happen between us, will we be together again or will we each go our own way and let the past rest, I know what I want but it is the most unlikely thing that can happen, but if True Love really exists I know it will happen and we will find each other.

I hope who ever that is reading this isn't feeling as unhappy, unwanted, not loved or just bad, I hope you are doing well, have all you can dream of and that life treats you well.

I don't know what will happen in the future, if it will get better or will get worse, I just know that I want it to spend with you and if god wants it, I will wait till eternity for you or as long as you want me to wait

M

Dreams

Once I had Dreams, once I had something to live for, I had it all and I let it all go, the Dreams that I have today are just bad, I commit suicide in my dreams and I don't know why and sometimes I get killed or have an accident, I just wake like 10 times in the middle of the night to see if I am still alive or not, so realistic are these so called Dreams

I think Dreams are made to project something good in your mind when you are doing well, but they project nightmares when you're not doing well, why is life so against me, why does life want me to have a bad time?

When you realize that Dreams are just there to live for something, because when you Dream, you are free, you can imagine everything you want without boundaries, you can be as rich as you want, drive the car you want or even imagine you are close to the one you love and kiss her...

Like I just said, Dreams can be so beautiful, they can look so much like reality that you would almost believe it is actually happening, that you are with the one you love, you kiss her and hold her tight, feeling something warm in your arms but than again when you wake, you aren't as happy anymore as when you were asleep, you just feel sad.

Before I met you I wasn't doing so well either but not as bad as this, what I said about the gun and pills, I prefer the gun over the pills, I don't want to forget you, I just miss the times we were together, where we imagined to be together every night and day and we were so close to it, I just miss the Dream we had....

But life isn't a Dream, my brother is in prison, I'm in the gutter, what's there to Dream about now!....

Everyday I dreamed that I would be with you, that I could sleep with you, smile with you and make you happy, but it was just a Dream.....

M

The Beginning....The Future.....And Now In The Present..

Not doing Well

I'm not doing well... Not doing well at all :/ I will tell you why.

Been a week now since my mother told me I'm not welcome anymore, but I still need something to hold on to or I go crazy and as you have read, my mind is getting a bit more 'dark' I am not afraid anymore of what the future may hold for me because I just don't care anymore, I don't care if I get better or not, or if I have to sleep in the gutters, I just don't care about it anymore because it won't change a thing, there is only one thing/person I care for and it isn't hard to guess who that person is..

It should have been the day we've been waiting for, my mother called me but  not with the message I hoped she'd have for me... just asking me if I had a new address where she could send my mail to but I had to disappoint her, but I couldn't tell if she felt sorry for me or not, she just wished me a good day and hang up.
God, I'm feeling so lonely here and in 4 days I am out of internet and I can't call anymore, the subscription will end and I don't have enough cash for a new phone :(

Look at me wining about my life while there are so many more people in the world whose lives are much more worse than mine, for example, people living in Iraq that see there loved ones being killed day by day or little children in Somalia that starve to death, and just hear me complaining about my life in one of the richest countries in the world, but they have there loved ones near them...

For now all I've been doing is trying to do good for me, trying to take care of me and just think in myself but it is where I suck at most, I am good at caring for someone else, I think I can say that I am very good at it, but I need someone to care for me and the person that could do it the best is far away now...
........
............and all that I have left of you is resting in my heart...
Help me 'cause I'm bleeding.....

M