In The Hospital..

Been away for a while as some of you may noticed, I usually would write every 1-2 days or even multiple times a day but I couldn't, because I'm in the hospital..

I don't know why but for some reason I got a heart attack.. just what I needed when all things come together in case of trouble, I should be in university tomorrow but I can't, don't listen to people when they say ''whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'' that's not the way it works, I feel very lifeless, I can't remember what happened the past days, I can just remember that I am so busy with everything that comes to this point, decorate my room, get my books, supplies for university, earning money to rent the room and buy myself groceries, maybe all that stress just came out and I fell down.

I couldn't believe what the doctor told me 2 days ago, they kept me in a coma and he said I got very, very lucky and even tough I don't share his opinion we could both laugh about it, deep inside I didn't laugh, but I didn't but I didn't want to ruin the moment, that moment I was happy to be alive

Maybe there is something better for me, maybe ''He'' has a better purpose for me, I don't believe in a God tough, but it can be called a miracle that I'm still here, but I have no idea why, I'm all by myself here, no family or anyone that has visited me so far, so I decided to grab my laptop and write a little something because you got home and I'm happy for it, but I see that I shouldn't be happy anymore or wait for anything, and I guess that I shouldn't mentioned I counted the days till you got back, at least I counted them as far as I could

I'm sorry if my last post hurt you in any way, and if your new wish or dream is to go back to where you just were than you should follow it and like you said, make me forget your existence, than I'm sorry, I can't forget your existence, the only thing I'll do is wondering about you, wondering where you are, what you do and what you became, because that are the things we tried to have for ourselves, but that dream has become a nightmare and of course, what can you do with me, 19-year old with a heart attack and will be sick all his life, not the dream you and me had in mind for ourselves.

Now I don't have you anymore, just guess if I sleep well..

Dreams just don't come true, they just happen or they don't.

M

Glad You're Back

I'm happy you're back and I hope you had a good time wherever you have been.

The Desolate One

Finally a little inspiration in this broken mind to write about, just the inspiration comes out in little fragments of what the original might would have been, this solitude that I'm in for quite a while now hasn't been good for me, just made my life just a little bit hard you know, the little hope you have or the light that always shines in the dark is slowly fading away again, just going further and further away from the point you are at this moment, that it makes my life a little more dark, but luckily you are there..

You will always look the same because the pictures on the wall don't age with me and it is hard to think we've promised to be together always while you will always be 18 on the wall, never aging and always looking as beautiful as the day you made it, but it is hard like I told you before, that promises and trusting people will never be the same

I haven't been able to be in my room as often as I'd like, I still have to paint it and decorate it, some things on the wall and give it a home feeling like I haven't had in months, need to make it my new home while it still feels like an empty shell that I have to live in, far away from all that I want, need, love and desire, just away from you is what makes it more harsh and more painful but as everything, it was inevitable that this moment would happen , love and happiness just weren't and aren't made for me, despite what people say and what you've said, It is hard but unfortunately it is the truth, whether I like it or not

In contradiction of my last post, I'm doing quite bad the last few days, got a lot of headaches and my body just tells me to stop moving and rest in peace, and instead of doing the things that are important i'm just sitting here behind my laptop playing games, sometimes I work a little and I'm waiting till you write something, but unfortunately you don't and I think I should stop looking for it.

There's no one here, there's no one there to wait for me, not in this life or in another...you were all that I needed..

I'm The Desolate One

M

I always Miss you

If Dreams Came True

Dreams and Wishes will always be related to each other, we Dream of things that are impossible and we Wish things that are seemingly impossible, we Dream that we can fly, that we look different or that we can be with the person we desire most in our hearts and when you wake in the morning, you Wish that what you've Dreamed has become reality, but when I Dream late at night and I wake in the morning with the deepest Wish that you lay next to me, my arms always disappoint me because they aren't wrapped around you in the morning

But like you've said ''Wishes don't happen'' and you are right, everybody wishes every day, they wish they had studied for an important exam when they get an F from their teacher or a young woman hears she has lung cancer and she wished she never took that first cigarette, but when their wishes aren't heard they start to Dream about how life could have been if they made other decisions...what life would be like if Dreams came true.

If Dreams came true and when Wishes would be answered you'd probably think that life would be wonderful and why not? everybody would wish they were rich, they were healthy and possessed all they wanted, they would have a big mansion, many cars and a lot of women, I think I just described the most ideal life for most men, and what else would you wish, I bet everyone wanted to look beautiful, that they are popular and that they have a lot of friends and I know people will wish dead relatives back and to be honest, who wouldn't? if your child is sick I bet you'd wish he/she will get better, just simple, but if all wishes come true, what is there to live for?

When all Dreams and Wishes come true there is nothing to live for, you have it all and I think it would be bad and eventually break people up, they wish for some people to die or even worse, but just instead of answering our Wishes, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, when we decide to drink a lot and do things we regret we know that we shouldn't do it and learn from it, and when we have something that we can't keep, how beautiful it may be, we have to learn from it and move on, no matter how much it may hurt

If my wishes would be answered from above I would wish that I could fly, so I could fly to you and when I dream at night of the sweetest, warmest and most wonderful sleep with you than I would wish in the morning that I could sleep that way with you each and every night....and I would wish that I could be with you, always being with you in the morning, during the day and all through the night.

It is too much to ask and it is what no one will ever get, their Wishes answered and their Dreams come true, but just 1 little Wish to make a Dream come true, is that too much to ask?

I know I'll keep wishing and I know I'll keep dreaming and if we let it happen and if we are really meant to be together forever, I know that our Dreams will come true :)

I love you

M

Divided

''Is there something wrong with me? Did I hurt you or make you feel sad, I let you alone when you needed me the most or is there something else?'' is what I asked on the phone, but I got no answer from no one, just a slowly breathing voice that clicked me away, my own mother clicked me away.

My mother is right if she doesn't want to talk with me, even tough I tried to tell her I was sorry for the things I've done and will do in the future but she didn't care to listen, I think she just wants me to have a hard time and show me that life wasn't so bad after all if I was still at home and never went away, but it would have made me a different person than I am today so this was supposed to happen, I don't think that I would have been better if I didn't went away, I wouldn't have been able to cope with what I lost, so I just ran as what anyone would've done if they lost what I lost.
I lost the love of my life

But to let you know a little about how I am doing and how my progress on the room is doing, I'm doing fine actually, I feel more energy and I feel just a little better with each day.
Everyday I'm still thinking about you and wondering what you are doing at that specific moment, I still read your blog and I am working on a post as a reaction on your last post, I hope you will like it, and I still miss you a lot every day.
The room is starting to get shape, the floor is almost in, the curtains are almost finished, I will start on the walls next week and I found some things for the interior, just to keep it short, I did it all by myself
yes, just by myself...

Sometimes I still envy you, I know that your relationship with your parents and your brother isn't always moon- and sunshine but at least they have a warm bed for you at home, there is food enough and there are at least people around you and when you go back to university, there is food that your mother gives you that you just have to warm up, there are people around you to talk with and I hope you will meet someone new again to make you happy, it's the opposite of how it is here, I have to get all the groceries and cook them on a little gas cylinder they use on a camping, so the taste of it isn't that great at all and it just hurts a little, I just don't really know how to explain it's just that I am like the third wheel on a bike, you don't need a third wheel, you get the point? what I am trying to say is that life is hard enough on it's own when you are alone and in need of just a little help but there is no help and everything is against you, just everything is against me... :(

M