Divided

''Is there something wrong with me? Did I hurt you or make you feel sad, I let you alone when you needed me the most or is there something else?'' is what I asked on the phone, but I got no answer from no one, just a slowly breathing voice that clicked me away, my own mother clicked me away.

My mother is right if she doesn't want to talk with me, even tough I tried to tell her I was sorry for the things I've done and will do in the future but she didn't care to listen, I think she just wants me to have a hard time and show me that life wasn't so bad after all if I was still at home and never went away, but it would have made me a different person than I am today so this was supposed to happen, I don't think that I would have been better if I didn't went away, I wouldn't have been able to cope with what I lost, so I just ran as what anyone would've done if they lost what I lost.
I lost the love of my life

But to let you know a little about how I am doing and how my progress on the room is doing, I'm doing fine actually, I feel more energy and I feel just a little better with each day.
Everyday I'm still thinking about you and wondering what you are doing at that specific moment, I still read your blog and I am working on a post as a reaction on your last post, I hope you will like it, and I still miss you a lot every day.
The room is starting to get shape, the floor is almost in, the curtains are almost finished, I will start on the walls next week and I found some things for the interior, just to keep it short, I did it all by myself
yes, just by myself...

Sometimes I still envy you, I know that your relationship with your parents and your brother isn't always moon- and sunshine but at least they have a warm bed for you at home, there is food enough and there are at least people around you and when you go back to university, there is food that your mother gives you that you just have to warm up, there are people around you to talk with and I hope you will meet someone new again to make you happy, it's the opposite of how it is here, I have to get all the groceries and cook them on a little gas cylinder they use on a camping, so the taste of it isn't that great at all and it just hurts a little, I just don't really know how to explain it's just that I am like the third wheel on a bike, you don't need a third wheel, you get the point? what I am trying to say is that life is hard enough on it's own when you are alone and in need of just a little help but there is no help and everything is against you, just everything is against me... :(

M

Father's Day

Today it is the day of the father, the man that made it possible for you to be born, a father that can be a dick sometimes but in my eyes my father is the man that kept me on the straight path, that was there when I needed him and he made sure everything I needed was there for me so I could have the best possible care for me

Of course not everybody has a great father, some fathers run away when their child gets born or some fathers just don't care for you and they abuse you or even worse

This day is to remind all children that they have a father, some have short fathers, others tall, some are rich and some are poor but that doesn't matter, a father loves you with all of his heart, at least mine does :)

I just feel so unhappy that I am not with him today, that I am far away, I run away thinking I could solve my problems while they just got worse, I never should have stopped the treatment for myself, I should be there now giving a gift to my father and telling him that every day he is there for me and that I thank him for being my father and that he is good for me, my brother, my sister and my mother and that we are all thankful for him and that he is with us

so Dad, if you read this..

Ik ben blij dat je mijn vader bent :)

M