The Desolate One

Finally a little inspiration in this broken mind to write about, just the inspiration comes out in little fragments of what the original might would have been, this solitude that I'm in for quite a while now hasn't been good for me, just made my life just a little bit hard you know, the little hope you have or the light that always shines in the dark is slowly fading away again, just going further and further away from the point you are at this moment, that it makes my life a little more dark, but luckily you are there..

You will always look the same because the pictures on the wall don't age with me and it is hard to think we've promised to be together always while you will always be 18 on the wall, never aging and always looking as beautiful as the day you made it, but it is hard like I told you before, that promises and trusting people will never be the same

I haven't been able to be in my room as often as I'd like, I still have to paint it and decorate it, some things on the wall and give it a home feeling like I haven't had in months, need to make it my new home while it still feels like an empty shell that I have to live in, far away from all that I want, need, love and desire, just away from you is what makes it more harsh and more painful but as everything, it was inevitable that this moment would happen , love and happiness just weren't and aren't made for me, despite what people say and what you've said, It is hard but unfortunately it is the truth, whether I like it or not

In contradiction of my last post, I'm doing quite bad the last few days, got a lot of headaches and my body just tells me to stop moving and rest in peace, and instead of doing the things that are important i'm just sitting here behind my laptop playing games, sometimes I work a little and I'm waiting till you write something, but unfortunately you don't and I think I should stop looking for it.

There's no one here, there's no one there to wait for me, not in this life or in another...you were all that I needed..

I'm The Desolate One

M

Divided

''Is there something wrong with me? Did I hurt you or make you feel sad, I let you alone when you needed me the most or is there something else?'' is what I asked on the phone, but I got no answer from no one, just a slowly breathing voice that clicked me away, my own mother clicked me away.

My mother is right if she doesn't want to talk with me, even tough I tried to tell her I was sorry for the things I've done and will do in the future but she didn't care to listen, I think she just wants me to have a hard time and show me that life wasn't so bad after all if I was still at home and never went away, but it would have made me a different person than I am today so this was supposed to happen, I don't think that I would have been better if I didn't went away, I wouldn't have been able to cope with what I lost, so I just ran as what anyone would've done if they lost what I lost.
I lost the love of my life

But to let you know a little about how I am doing and how my progress on the room is doing, I'm doing fine actually, I feel more energy and I feel just a little better with each day.
Everyday I'm still thinking about you and wondering what you are doing at that specific moment, I still read your blog and I am working on a post as a reaction on your last post, I hope you will like it, and I still miss you a lot every day.
The room is starting to get shape, the floor is almost in, the curtains are almost finished, I will start on the walls next week and I found some things for the interior, just to keep it short, I did it all by myself
yes, just by myself...

Sometimes I still envy you, I know that your relationship with your parents and your brother isn't always moon- and sunshine but at least they have a warm bed for you at home, there is food enough and there are at least people around you and when you go back to university, there is food that your mother gives you that you just have to warm up, there are people around you to talk with and I hope you will meet someone new again to make you happy, it's the opposite of how it is here, I have to get all the groceries and cook them on a little gas cylinder they use on a camping, so the taste of it isn't that great at all and it just hurts a little, I just don't really know how to explain it's just that I am like the third wheel on a bike, you don't need a third wheel, you get the point? what I am trying to say is that life is hard enough on it's own when you are alone and in need of just a little help but there is no help and everything is against you, just everything is against me... :(

M