I'm going to miss you

I'm going to miss you, every single word you said and every smile you ever showed me, I'm going to miss them
I still wish that we didn't end up this way but we did and I feel bad about it, because I used to hope we would have a future together, but no, we don't.

I used to believe that what we had was special, so special that only you and I could feel it, that other people would never have it and that we would be together forever but I was wrong, we were wrong

We had a lot of  'first-times' together and I'm glad they were with you, but still it eats a little in my head, because I wanted you to be the only one for all time, live my life with you and one day die with you, but I can only say that it was a silly dream, my dreams never come true

I wish you happiness too and a wonderful life, and I'm sorry it had to end this way, I can tell you about the problems I had last week and why I didn't post or send a text back but it would make me sad to say all things that happen lately so I'm not going to tell them and just so you know, I started studying Chinese, so I'll stay far away from you

Everything we've been through, all things we've shared, the ring and the letter, the long nights and all the good and bad stories, the imaginations and dreams, I'll keep them and remember you always, I remember what you meant for me and what love can be when you are with the right person, you know that I'll miss you and that you will always have a special place in my heart, I hope it will be the same for you

But does it mean that it is the end, I don't know, life is a mystery and so was our story and even tough you gave me a cold goodbye I still want to end it with..

Adelitas Way - Alive

Maybe when the moon and sun rise up together, I can be happy again
And even tough that day is not close to today, I want you to know this:

What if I told you that I think you're perfect?
Beautiful sky in your eyes, it's so worth it.
I know you make me feel alive.

What if I told you that I'm in forever?
Nothing to hide, yeah, I'll go wherever you go.
You make me feel alive.

And I'll be hanging on every word you say to me.
Hanging on a feeling that I get,
'Cause you make me

Laugh a little louder,
Love a little harder.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Every time it's something new.
Never knew what love could feel like
Until I walked away the first time.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Deep inside, it's something true.
You're the only reason I fight,
You're the best thing in my life.

What if I told you that I'd never hurt you?
Always be there for you to hold on to.
I know you make me feel alive.

And every single second's a lifetime memory,
I'll be holding on to every second
'Cause you make me

Laugh a little louder,
Love a little harder.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Every time it's something new.
Never knew what love could feel like
Until I walked away the first time.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Deep inside, it's something true.
You're the only reason I fight,
You're the best thing in my life.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
When I'm with you.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Every time it's something new.
Never knew what love could feel like
Until I walked away the first time.

And I feel alive when I'm with you.
Deep inside, it's something true.
You're the only reason I fight,
You were the best thing in my life.

One Sad Person

Have you ever felt so lonely that it hurt, that when you look around and all you see are happy couples, seeing them smile and just look so in love and you ask yourself why you can't be part of that couple, than you know how I've felt all my life

I know I could never keep the love of my life, I already knew it from the start, because nothing good ever happens to me, why can't I be the lucky guy for once in my life, why can't I have what I want just once

I am not perfect, I admit it and yes, I make my mistakes and I even lie sometimes, but haven't I been punished enough, isn't being all my life alone and losing the love of my life enough for the bad things I've done and you should know that I even lied to you.. once, because I didn't know the answer, you asked me once if I'd love you just as much as I said I did if you didn't have anymore what you wanted me to have and I said ''yes, I would'' but that was a lie, the right answer should have been that I didn't know it, because you would have been a different person.

Since I have a lot of time to think during the day I ask myself if it was all worth it, give away my heart, get my heart back broken and now it got attacked, and on top of that being alone is slowly consuming me, nothing is as bad as being alone, that's why everyone is together, that why there are so many happy couples, that's why there is just one sad person

M

In The Hospital..

Been away for a while as some of you may noticed, I usually would write every 1-2 days or even multiple times a day but I couldn't, because I'm in the hospital..

I don't know why but for some reason I got a heart attack.. just what I needed when all things come together in case of trouble, I should be in university tomorrow but I can't, don't listen to people when they say ''whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'' that's not the way it works, I feel very lifeless, I can't remember what happened the past days, I can just remember that I am so busy with everything that comes to this point, decorate my room, get my books, supplies for university, earning money to rent the room and buy myself groceries, maybe all that stress just came out and I fell down.

I couldn't believe what the doctor told me 2 days ago, they kept me in a coma and he said I got very, very lucky and even tough I don't share his opinion we could both laugh about it, deep inside I didn't laugh, but I didn't but I didn't want to ruin the moment, that moment I was happy to be alive

Maybe there is something better for me, maybe ''He'' has a better purpose for me, I don't believe in a God tough, but it can be called a miracle that I'm still here, but I have no idea why, I'm all by myself here, no family or anyone that has visited me so far, so I decided to grab my laptop and write a little something because you got home and I'm happy for it, but I see that I shouldn't be happy anymore or wait for anything, and I guess that I shouldn't mentioned I counted the days till you got back, at least I counted them as far as I could

I'm sorry if my last post hurt you in any way, and if your new wish or dream is to go back to where you just were than you should follow it and like you said, make me forget your existence, than I'm sorry, I can't forget your existence, the only thing I'll do is wondering about you, wondering where you are, what you do and what you became, because that are the things we tried to have for ourselves, but that dream has become a nightmare and of course, what can you do with me, 19-year old with a heart attack and will be sick all his life, not the dream you and me had in mind for ourselves.

Now I don't have you anymore, just guess if I sleep well..

Dreams just don't come true, they just happen or they don't.

M

Glad You're Back

I'm happy you're back and I hope you had a good time wherever you have been.

The Desolate One

Finally a little inspiration in this broken mind to write about, just the inspiration comes out in little fragments of what the original might would have been, this solitude that I'm in for quite a while now hasn't been good for me, just made my life just a little bit hard you know, the little hope you have or the light that always shines in the dark is slowly fading away again, just going further and further away from the point you are at this moment, that it makes my life a little more dark, but luckily you are there..

You will always look the same because the pictures on the wall don't age with me and it is hard to think we've promised to be together always while you will always be 18 on the wall, never aging and always looking as beautiful as the day you made it, but it is hard like I told you before, that promises and trusting people will never be the same

I haven't been able to be in my room as often as I'd like, I still have to paint it and decorate it, some things on the wall and give it a home feeling like I haven't had in months, need to make it my new home while it still feels like an empty shell that I have to live in, far away from all that I want, need, love and desire, just away from you is what makes it more harsh and more painful but as everything, it was inevitable that this moment would happen , love and happiness just weren't and aren't made for me, despite what people say and what you've said, It is hard but unfortunately it is the truth, whether I like it or not

In contradiction of my last post, I'm doing quite bad the last few days, got a lot of headaches and my body just tells me to stop moving and rest in peace, and instead of doing the things that are important i'm just sitting here behind my laptop playing games, sometimes I work a little and I'm waiting till you write something, but unfortunately you don't and I think I should stop looking for it.

There's no one here, there's no one there to wait for me, not in this life or in another...you were all that I needed..

I'm The Desolate One

M